We live in a world where we can rely on the kindness of a stranger far quicker than we can rely on an old friend. It’s strange though isn’t it? The ones who have witnessed your struggle are the first one to kick dirt on your grave. Sure there are one or two that you can still count on since high school but the reality it’s your new acquaintances that will save the day.

Right? Isn’t that the way? People that have known you your whole life would rather support a stranger than be proud of your success. Once their true colours begin to fly it is almost impossible to see anything else. Well until you have had enough of their blatant disregard so you move onto somebody else. Why waste time with those that don’t care if you cross the finish line? I don’t. It has taken some time but hard work always pays off in the end, doesn’t it?

Am I right? Is it hard to watch those you call “friends” not even ask you questions about what it is you are doing with your life but kinda throw what you are passionate about in your face? Go ahead Darling go get another round of Botox or how about you get your nails did I don’t need your loyalty to make it so my bills are paid. I am successful in life that is how our bills are paid there is no denying how comfortable living can be when you are living debt free. I think that is where the green eyed beast comes in. Instead of doing what it is I have done to see success it is easier to roll your eyes and feel scorned.

Ask yourself what is your passion then watch somebody on your timeline minimize it all away. Point and case my Color Street. I guess I should feel happy I inspired so many ladies to get their nails did as they show up on my feed. Or the same girls who say oh I don’t believe in self care or I don’t wear make-up I have lash extensions. Oh Darling that winged eye you have been wearing tells me you have purchase a liner or too since I told you that Limelife was good. They are just those kind of people who refuse to invest in your dream. I see y’all consumming your drugstore finds, this my friend is the end of me and you.

There is no shame in gravitating towards those that bind together and help each other find success. Why invest in somebody’s air space when they won’t value you enough to save face. No thank you. I would rather keep colonizing my spending. To those who think they get away from disregarding my feelings I don’t think you will notice me when I slip away. The only way to get ahead in life is if we all bond together and wonder. Wonder why it is others are disgusted by your success especially when you held your hand out to offer and help them find their own way. You never forget the sting of your first bite or how it is that you have to decide that you want to play. I mean who does that anyways to somebody they care for. The short answer is they don’t so say no more. The more I beat my head against the wall trying to impress the same old people the quicker I realized what it is I needed to do. You have to start charging those rent for taking up space in your life, especially if they are the type that only comes around just to be heard.

Everybody has an excuse on why they can’t buy from you or at least hear you out. I try to tell those that it isn’t about the money it is about the self care and I get screamed at they don’t believe in that either. Imagine hating on yourself so much that you don’t want to pamper yourself and alleviate your senses. They say there is nothing more grounding than just letting your senses be so why do we shame those for just trying to be? Take today for example I thought it felt great and I felt empowered with my existence like maybe I could change the human race. Maybe it doesn’t have to be the entire race just one being and for me in this moment all I can focus on is me. With everything around me that is spinning out of control I prefer to move in slow motion so I barely have to breathe. If I listen for too long about what other people think I think I would just wither away and die. I think that is now when forced to listen to the negative onslaught that has found me I just shut up and take my abuse. At least I think it is abuse so I am best to just shut up. My voice is getting hoarser now like a reminder to shut the f*ck up just breathe.

So may be it is a touch of mania now that makes me gravitate towards within. I can’t help but listen to everything in silence because I am trying to absorb it all in. If it is me that is impossible than I have it in me to change but if I am the one making changes and the bad is still reflected what is that all supposed to mean? I look for signs of what it means to do the right thing. I look for people, places, things anything to remind me of who I used to be. The closest I get to who it is that used to make me smile I feel lost. That is how I come to know that I have come to far now and I am far too weak. I am so confused, so very confused because all I feel is this intense hate. Where do I go again to feel something or is it already too late?