Keep playing with yourself and telling yourself lies about a version of me that fits your story line inside your head. But trust me honey pie there has never been shame in my game, well except for the times when I let other people’s insecurities penetrate through my brain.
What other people fail to recognize is that there has to be people like me to live through this pain and tell our tales in the hopes of setting our children free. I was raped at 13 not like every average girl out there but during the 90’s this was a big deal. I was the slut, the hoe of my high school because they needed somebody to blame. I became the baby killer even though I was still a baby myself. People want to shame me for my abortion like I committed the ultimate sin. I thought we were forgiven of our sins if we admitted what we have done and shown remorse for them. Yes I was put in a situation where I had another but that wasn’t until my mid 30’s. I know that makes me grosser than gross but I couldn’t condemn a life in that way. People who don’t understand want me to feel shame. They want me to hate myself and bring me down to their level so that it all makes sense. None of it makes sense. From that moment that I was made into a woman by having a life ripped out of me did make me insane. You don’t reach the portal of heaven and hell and tell me you don’t change.
Those people who never want to consider that I already hate myself for that choice I was forced to make. I apologize to that being every single day. I rise in the morning with a thunder in my step because those lives need to be sacrificed for a reason. I say sacrificed because in a way that is exactly what I did. I had to make that ultimate choice to ensure that we all could live a better day. Yes there are resources but what kind of life would that be. I couldn’t have the EXACT same life that I would have had if I kept my baby at 13. My life had to count and it had to matter in some way because as long as I kept living so did she. Hate me come on I dare you but there is nothing you can say or throw at me that I haven’t already processed, deleted and heard.
What those who cast stones that don’t understand is I have already seen what evil can do. I have run on the streets and watched retaliation hit friends and couldn’t say or do a damn thing about it. I wanted to believe that that street way of life was bad and was wrong but trying to live on the right side I am thinking f*ck that white noise. The right side of the law is the most ignorant bunch I much would rather have loyalty and respect and all that. For example my Sweet Cinnamon. What is enraged in me is the lack of respect. The fact that I just wanted her life to mean something that her experience here in life wasn’t just to sit in filth and urine. I wanted her death to bring on the angels and save the pets that were left in her previous homes care. I wanted salvation and what I got was disrespect. I got the finger pointed so hard at me that it feels like they are threatening my life. She is taking away everything inside of me that means to feel human and all I can do is sit and wait. What kind of life is this anyways? To serve and protect? What your ego? I should have filled her cage with the same filth that she lived in and lit it on fire and left it on their doorstep. That is what being good and doing the right thing gets you. It gets you nowhere. No correction it drives you into the deepest, darkest spiral that you will probably not survive.
When I think of all this betrayl and the fact that I don’t even have a grain of hope I can’t deny that humans have done this. The mechanical way that we process basic human thoughts with zero human compassion or integrity or even regards of one day doing the right thing. How many others suit up to stroke their massive egos to make an innocent person pay for another’s sins? When will we stop this vicious cycle I am beginning to hate everything that moves. Not everything. Just the things on two legs and that nauseating swagger. I am crazy in my own mind and I am beginning to hate all that I see. Why is being kind and showing compassion the biggest plague to hit the land? It is isn’t it? Think of the last time you were kind and it bit you in the buttocks. Tell me I am wrong but I already know I am right because when it comes to be being kind we would rather light ourselves on fire than do what is right. I wonder just how many of us would care enough to piss on another to extinguish it out lol Think of it. Do I pee on them and save their life because I have an excuse but in doing so I save them so what the hell do I do? I wish I gave a rat’s ass more but truth be told the reason I don’t is because I have felt the pain from somebody else’s filth. Like a hot burning rash that no ointment can soothe I rather sit alone than sit around tending to my open wounds. I know who I am and what I stand for and what gives me drive sometimes we just need the reminder. Like a kick in the arse or an eventual turn of the check you won’t get me twice, you won’t even get a chance to speak.