I always wondered how it would be if given the chance how man people would in fact do the right thing? In a world full of negative Nancy’s and Karen’s it seems it is all we have left. Being mean that is. We have perfected that little piece in every possible way. When it comes to being kind we would rather turn and run away.

We always want to feel fault and blame when it comes to dealing with anybody else. She took my man, my title, my friend…will this type of insanity ever end?  We are constant competition with each other as we perfect our side glances and weary eyes. It’s not like I am speaking from experience, oh wait I am. The summer where those I thought were friends revealed themselves as foes.

Are you curious to what happened? There is proof right there in black and white! A summer Pin-Up contest gone astray when me winning second Dame graced the local pages. Center stage. Well front page center stage as my friends in the background got their faces captured in sheer discontent. No congratulations or celebrations just leers and side eyes. There is no changing those feelings captured when my backs were turned. I was in shock and awe and humbled by that day until weeks had gone by and I got to witness my friends and the looks that gave them away. The real feelings they harboured towards me now came into full view I vowed to not let these snakes come next to me no apologies could ever do.

So now I ask why given anybody the benefit of the doubt? They pull and twist their own version of events to make it seem they were just and right. Tell me I am wrong but you know I am right. Trying to adjust the story so it fits your plight. I remember my last attempt to be a part of my local scene was to volunteer my services to make sure each Pin-Up felt their best come show time that night. My thought was to be the ol mother hen. Helped with winged liners even poof up some hair. Gives some tips and tricks you know as a reigning title holder and queen. You know help each girl back stage realize their dreams. What was told to others is that I wanted to set up a make-up booth and try to make a profit. As if! That’s not me my candle has never burned brighter by extinguishing another goddesses flame.

It just infuriates me truly that we live in such a world where we aren’t created equal because we are. Like a game of Russian Roulette or even gambling or playing slots there is no way of evening up the odds. You can try as you may but unless you are the elite there always has to be somebody worse off to pay. Think of the idea of winning or coming to odds somebody always has to come out on top or always right. To each their own why can’t we all be nice it is something that no matter how hard I try I understand. The closest I have come to being able to understand this feeling is by taking a good look at my pets. I also consider what I want most or what feels good and it usually just boils down to simple compassion or somebody to waste away the days. Who needs words when you can use a warm loving embrace. That is how far the wrong way we have all have become. Tit for tat we all want to get even. It is what keeps us awake at night. At least it keeps me anyways. It makes me sick to my stomach when others are mean. Why did they get all these riches and don’t offer up anything but shame? Money grab on the poor to keep the rich rich and the rest of us dying. It applies to each one of us in every single way. We were made to believe all these weird ass facts to keep us segregated and at war with one another. We can’t come together and make the change that always needs to be done if we are constantly trying to one up each other.

What some women have done to me just to obtain a tiara is, well I want to say shocking but what I actually feel is expectation. If you have been there you know there is no way to really explain the feeling. It puts a bee in ones bonnet truly as you realize that others don’t feel the same way you do. I am the gal that thinks that everybody is worthy of the crown as it takes just a lot to put yourself out there. I think that is why I have taken a hard stance in the sand and have decided just to be myself and let all other forms of shame go. My reality is I smoke cannabis on the regular to go to war with my demons because heaven knows just what has been lingering in my past. My stance has always been that if horrible things happened to me they must have been for a reason and if I am still alive to tell the tale don’t I owe it to mankind to tell my story before finally letting go? We are all heading to the same place yet some of us think that we are more worthy than others and that is a mentality that will be our own demise. You can’t win if somebody else loses because it should hurt your heart to see another person defeated in that way. It is hard to celebrate your own victory because you know another person was counting on winning as their self defining moment and who knows what has happened to their mental health now that the desired outcome is known?