To think too hard of what could be would only make me insane. I try to fall aimlessly through time not gripping to hard at objects as I go. I surround myself with playful silence because it is all my brain has left. Hurt by being too open at times. How I wonder how long till my heart stays closed.
I take on too much and I love what I do. Surrounded by all forms of life and taking chances connecting with others through their love of passion and art. That is what it means to me to be put on display. For that 15 to 30 seconds in time I am not alone and my purest intentions can be heard. Not by everyone and in that I am entirely ok. I don’t want to be bombarded by a million when one or two is all you need to fulfill a day. To make time matter and make the most of every minute is the only way I can think. When I take on way too much in the day and the dishes pile up in the sink I know that eventually they will get done so the last thing I do is to get into overdrive and begin to panic. I try to remain in somewhat control of my emotions it just gets hard when you think you are moving mountains and come up against a hill. Is there anything more annoying than those who say they are inclusive of everybody? Except you…ya you. You can go away!
Yes I know I am old and curvy and had a child but why should I feel ashamed about any of that just so you can have your way. I will not let anybody have power over me anymore. Not in the way I express myself. How I dress. How I chose to medicate or even how I chose to love. My time here is far to precious to be poisoned by the lies that other people think about me. My body. My rules. I don’t care what other people have to say or even think. The truth I know deep inside my heart. The lies you tell yourself to keep me broken I use as fuel so in essence in a round about way thank you. We are done here now. Nothing else.
I am tired, so tired of having to listen to all the things he hates about me and in all the ways he tells me I fail. To have to listen to his self righteous tirade again just makes me want to put a bullet in my eye. I am not a loser with a family that has come from nothing. Our love was never conditional or could be bought with dollar and cents. One day I will be brave enough to finally walk away or take my own life. In the absence of human love I look towards my animals to save me. They are my true salvation.
Self worth. Sense of self. You know our purpose to living and where our hopes amd dreams come to fruition. Who we were meant to be when no one else is around, when their backs are turned or when we are alone in the dark in the middle of the night. All the outside variables becoming still in your mind for it is at this time you finally feel complete. Not pulled to pieces in every which way as we rise to meet the demands of the day.
Another thing that blows my mind is how self righteous some claim to be but always let something defeat them like jealousy, anger or even rage. I feel it all the time on my day to day. Those I used to know decide they don’t like me like I was pretending to be somebody I wasn’t born to be. Maybe at one time I used but I was a product of unfortunate circumstances. The point being of course is that people can change but only when they admit their faults and try to life more conscious and aware of who they are and how they came to be. I rarely indulge in fake and phonies and only do so as a matter of fact. Like the fact that I have to be in the room with some is out of respect for others and there is nothing else that matters than the kind of love like that. At least in my mind.
My biggest fear is that there is nothing so everything we did here will become lost. What would be the point of all this and all the people we stabbed in the bag and betrayed. Will our devious actions be forgiven or will they be carried beyond the grave? I could only imagine what those who have lived before think about us now and would they still fight for our lives to save. Lay their lives on the line for our more than obnoxious ways. So the only chance to save ourselves from an incredible fall from grace is to be kind to one another and try to always return a smiling face.
Loyalty has to make it’s way back to you one day…doesn’t it? Or do you even want loyalty to come back because in the very meaning it means that they have once betrayed you. I put those who have appeared wishy, washy somewhere on the back burner. Like on a need to know basis, maybe in passing who am I to say or even know. What I know more than anything is that loyalty is earned and once broken it is impossible to get back. The scar of the knife that stabbed you lights like a beacon for all to see. A friend who is a foe when backs are turned is a foe to the rest of the world.
If life is a game and we are all in constant competition yet none of us get out alive does that mean that we may have been playing the game wrong? To watch our brothers and sisters suffer in less than mediocre conditions in order for another being to outshine us all doesn’t that make us the biggest losers of all?
To live everyday so disconnected with a person is becoming more than I can withstand or even care to feel. Where do I go when the world begins to close in on me this way? Is it my dominant, narcissistic behaviour or is it the fact that I feel so betrayed. This life that I have come to know was built on a lie. Devoid of any emotion or a friend to hold onto when I begin to cry. My angels in this life are the animals that I now call friends. Without their undying love and devotion I think it would be easier to make my story come to an end. My desperate attempts to connect with any living being may have come to an end. Tired of my own emotions, in life all I ever wanted was a friend.