Desire to Fade

I will not be made to feel helpless or ashamed because what another choses to do to themselves. Nor would I ever turn a shoulder that needed to be held because truth be told I desire to live authentically. It’s not insecurities that made me build a wall again, in fact the door is left open just some people don’t know where to find it or how to go about getting there. See for me I live so open it hurts but I will not be left behind because of somebody’s own indeciveness or ill notion of me. I am full steam ahead accepting of passengers but only those moving forward once they encounter me. make sense.

Why waste time on those standing in tepid waters when you can gravitate towards those that believe in you and really set your heart free and become the wind in your sails. I have tried to draw from empty energies that weren’t meant for me. Beating my head in on a dry stone is the most painful thing. It is how I feel when trying to connect with my husband I actually feel him cringe when I try to touch him. I stopped trying because the sting just came to much like a poisonous venom making me numb filling me with hate.

Try swimming up stream and we all what happens to those that do. There is a reason some of our Indigenous communities say salmon is life. Salmon is life for that is all that they are. That is all that they do so to interrupt with that process just shows how cold and callous we truly are. Their whole life cycle is fulfilled and they put on a beautiful display. The salmons turn this glorious colour of red when they are ready to lay their eggs. Growing up in the Kootenay’s it was the most beautiful thing. We went there in Girl Guides and I am sure we went in school and I remember a date or two at the Kokanee Creek Provincial Park because the colours are so glorious. Then as they plant their seeds right their in the river beds they begin to die and their life cycle is complete. I think we were meant to live a similar life. Think of the time before all the “pickling” and “vaccinations”. So many died in childbirth. So many died just because. We wanted to pervert what it meant to be alive so now I am curious at what cost.

I woke up to the news that another High School Friend had passed away. He reached out to connect with me because I am very public in my battle with my own mental health. Being on such a high dosage for such a long time indicated to me that something was wrong. The side affects were becoming so alarming like one of them was rage. I remember having thoughts of suicide and that was ON anti-depressants. You don’t want to explore the possibilities that maybe it is time to come down from that parade. Maybe you recognize it so you begin to try. What I think is important to note here EVERYTHING I am doing here is at the advice of a Doctor a legit cannabis professional. When I got the vaccine she reminded me of the importance of taking my CBD’s. CBD’s acted as a good cushion for around your heart and it was important to do so with the increased side affects there. I trust her. I see her once a month and she is fully aware of what I am doing. IN FACT she is helping me get my cannabis grow license so I can keep plants so forget whatever you are thinking and let it sink in that what I do is legal I promise you that.

Time escapes us so fast and we begin to lose our purpose. There is no love lost between me and those that I reach out to that do nothing back. Sharing my posts is easy. Maybe you know somebody who knows somebody who loves painting her nails and you could save her some time. Or maybe you don’t have to do anything but host a virtual party but who am I to say. I can see the people who aren’t scared, ashamed or embarrassed of having me around because I ABSOLUTELY have passion and love for what I do.

My friend passed away today and at first all I did was cry. I was consumed with guilt in thinking that he was struggling and that I didn’t do much to help. I thought about how far would I have needed to reach before I would have fallen over myself and maybe lost control. Loving the living is so easy when they are dead because we forgot who they were when we were alive. Try replaying last messages and ask yourself was there a way for you to have known. The problem with those that take their own lives they are so embarrassed of who they have become. They don’t want others to know how far they have fallen but they forget we will find out when they are gone. I will pay my respects like I normally do but this one I will process a little differently. It wasn’t me that didn’t respond to a friend who was trying to uplift you so it makes me think you may have been too far gone to save you. Mental Health is serious and it takes something drastic for most of us to take a step out of our own lives and notice. Trust me this is something so serious and it affects more people than you would ever think possible and right now it is threatening to take somebody you know. We want to live a life filled with life and compassion and in the absence of those we all begin to desire to fade to black. RIP my friend.

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