The more familiar I become with death the easier it is to stand toe to toe with him. Of course death is a he. If women is the creator of life then of course leave it to our men folk to distort our definition and take it away.
The way we allow it to control our minds is something I will never be able to fully understand. Maybe there was one time that I was fixated on the grieving process but then I drew myself in and realized that it was not so much to do about the being that has become deceased but my fear of what dying truly meant to me. Death comes for each one of us just in some situations it comes quicker for some than most. Think of a child or even a bay, there was an incident at a place I used to work. This co-worker hid her pregnancy. Gave birth. And threw her baby away in a dumpster. How is that for a fair chance at life? That poor lil babe left alone to die in garbage while her mother walked across the street and probably drank some more. No wonder the world has become less forgiven with her nature. Look at what we have done to her best image.
I think about the addict trying to hid their addiction into the wee hours of the night. I remember while at my lowest the fear of ingesting fentnyl and what it would do to my family if they found me dead on my floor. I remember a date night gone wrong for a friend when she was found convulsing on the floor. Her life changed forever, signing over custody to her son. Does that make any sense to you? Let’s get so f*cked up we almost die but more than likely we will live to do it all again. Life as we know it can change in a blink of an eye based on the choices that we make with not even an after thought. I guess maybe death doesn’t scare me anymore because I have danced toe to toe with the devil. I can recognize his presence on most days before he even begins to walk into the room.
The more comfortable I become with the concept the more envelops I begin to push because what you begin to realize is that you could give a damn about anybody else. Have compassion in your heart because that is the human way but be guarded until respect is earned people shouldn’t always get to have there say. Some just linger around to try and get on your nerves but what I love most about that is that the tables always get turned. Those that are ineffective with being authentic with themselves will shun you away like you are the plague. They will offer up nothing of value and make you wonder why it took you so long to seem them in that way. That is what I love about social media we are all living our best life until we get irritated and decide to ghost off or catfish. In the age of social media it can be tiresome to weed out those that are real compared to those that can’t even feel.
I am an expert on being hated, I truly hate to say but this is a by product of sticking up for yourself and I more than like it this way. Take my pictures of my *ss are they really that offensive. I try to do it as tasteful as possible and of course I like to make it a wee bit artistic. With girls slapping together their *ss cheeks to others who are just gross I love when I am the social martyr as followers begin to drop off like flies. In the beginning as I desired to climb up the ranks of followers to I have no idea or clue I realized how cold and superficial that feeling truly was. I don’t want to connect with 10 million people if I can have a real connection with just one. I am tasteful in my portrayal of self what more can I say.
Is jealousy the flavour of the day that makes others feel betrayed? There is this hashtag out there #heneverhitmebut and it hits a little closer to home than I would like. I feel the walking on egg shells every time I walk into the room and it is truly making me sick. My stomach burns like an inferno because I am stuck living on the edge. Far too scared of my own shadows and even worse when he calls my name. I try so hard to get what I want to get done to feel accomplished before the day gets started. The fear that starts to build in me when I look around and the kitchen is a disaster. There are so many days when I think I am going to get lost inside this life with nowhere to call home but then I am reminded that I am not alone that it is impossible that I am the only one.
We struggle alone and put up these courageous fronts. I don’t want to be courageous anymore. All I want is to live honestly. I have lived a life time of betrayal and I can detect who is friend and who is foe. Honestly. I am tired of having every word used against me and thrown back into my face. Case and point yesterday when my husband chased me out of “his” room. Every time he says those words I am reminded of how I am worthless and have nothing. That his family is the reason for all of this and I should just shut up and be quiet. Quiet only works for so long while you have nothing to say. The problem with my strength and courage is it allows me to rise and live another day.