Will

With every aggravating bark I get sent further over the edge. Trapped in my mind I have nowhere to turn when the walls cave in around me and I can’t even hear myself think. This is what being insane feels like. We get home from camping and I get left to put everything away with a dog that won’t stop barking and a headache that just won’t go away.

My nerves are raw and on edge and I just am so close to losing complete control of my own thoughts. Ignorance is not bliss and it is a shame that so many want to hide in that way. Being determined to undermine those around you so you could rob them of feeling a certain way. Trying to capture a feeling or energy that doesn’t belong to you so you could distort that imagery and try to have it conform to your own free will. What is breaking me is the lack of integrity of human control and actual raw emotion and energy. What I see coming alive is the nightmare in their veins instead of the drive of compassion to want to see other’s succeed. Everybody around me is trying to drive the final nail in their coffin so they can be the first one to kick dirt on their graves. My stomach turns and the knots get tighter as I struggle to get to the surface in my need for air.

Vultures begin to circle long before they get to consume the prey they seek. It takes a long time for some to finally give in to their fear of death and let go of their will to live. For me the two seem to co exist willingly, becoming one and the same. For every good reason I can think of succoumbing to my curiosity of what lies after all this I find a million more reasons to want to cling to life. Yes the sting of those you want to know comes hard but should your really let that take away from you? Not everybody has honest intentions when they come out to play and they will always hang onto that idea that ignorance is bliss but it takes one to know one doesn’t it? Or what truly is the point to all of this….

I think what I want people to know most about me is that I truly am a sensitive person I just don’t allow anybody to see the depths of how much they truly hurt me. Others may so other wise but in words I just need to let it out. What I fear most of all is that my life maybe for nothing and that is what makes me act irrational at times. If that makes sense at all. The world has gotten far to fast for what we need it to be and in it doing so we lose so much of the meaning and the feel of what it should mean to be alive. I love the buzz of silence or the crisp feel of cold air. I like the way my lungs fill up with smoke when I close my eyes and deeply inhale. I like the way those I have lost in life come alive in my dreams. I like the way that it feels to be alone with myself than lost among a sea of thousands in a night club or party room. I know I scream for somebody to notice me as I struggle to save myself. It’s just the anxiety playing games with me. They have to attack you when you grow still.

I am quiet in space, somewhat lost in time as I struggle to find my place in this eternity. At times it is enough to do what I do with the things that I have and then I rmemeber what it felt like to be touched by somebody that loved me. Not lust for me but LOVED me just like how it was meant to feel. When a boy got lost in a girl’s eyes and a girl got caught up in his. What I feel more than anything is just this raging curse and fury of revenge. We all look onto each other with side eye’s jealous of what she has and wanting to be everything that he was. It is hard to compete nevermind just trying to catch up. Tired. I am so tired. How I wish I could just disappear.

In my head I am exhausted and I am not sure where to go. Not sure I want to get lost stagnant or if I should run faster up wolf infested hills. To get eaten alive and become another victim. Their blood lust prey. Why are human’s so ugly to each other? Whatever happened to the idea of peace on Earth? Love your neighbour, unless that neighbour looked different than you. Honour your spouse, until another’s spouses looked better than yours. Be kind, show compassion, do a good deed…unless nobody is around to notice do nothing, don’t even get heard. I can’t. I won’t. I have to. I will. To struggle to find the good in every day to wade through all the weeds. The test comes in those that are faced to challenge you and I know that anything in life worth having ain’t going to come easy. Sure for some it does but not so much for me so I have to find a way to keep my head up and be an example for all to see. It’s tough. I am tired. I wish there was a better way but all I can do is self medicate and wish for a better day.

I want to live in this world but how can I? Every moment I am alive I am greeted with so much hate. I can’t breathe. The weight is crushing me. Somebody give me a reason to want to live 💔

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