Today is National Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day and this year it hits closest to home. 10 to 15 pregnancies out of every 100 are lost which doesn’t make it any easier for women who are suffering. Women just like you and me.
This February I endured a difficult miscarriage. I say endured because from the time it was brought to my attention that there was no heart beat it took 10 days for the baby to abort. Twelve if you want to be specific. When it comes to miscarrying in your house nothing can prepare you for it. You think it is going to be easy because you are in the comfort of your own home. The issue arises because we are not medical professionals and to decipher what is “normal” period flow against what was potentially a living entity can often be confused leaving the one who is most vulnerable feeling completely alone and left astray. Tissue is still tissue and to be honest nobody will EVER tell you what your unborn fetus could look like. Trust me on this. When I was 13 and having an abortion the doctor told me not to ask about the sex. He said the equipment that they would be using would blow the tissue into smithereens making it look like raw hamburger meat. No joke. That kind of information sticks with you. That was also the 90’s when were weren’t so in tune with our bodies and the world that we have come to know. What I can tell you is the reason why our insides begin to look like that it is because of the force of the equipment being used. The intent is to get ALL tissue out of there so in hind sight I guess we are lucky that contraptions like that are no longer being used…for the most part.
Then you need to factor in that on this day 4 years ago it could have been the last day of my life. With the population on the rise there is a decrease in our professionals. More so than anything there is just a growing desire to have everything for doing nothing and there is an increase, it seems, in the lack of professionals. Which is odd truly because if you ask anybody who has immigrated to Canada recently what their educational background is and you can see their education is far superior to the minimum wage job that they have. It seems like it is another way for Canada to keep somewhat control of what they deem as a “minority” which is odd because if you ask me the white man seems to be the first community to go. Not peacefully, no. It is a VERY confusing time. A lot of us are just coming to know just how far those who are in power will push themselves to go. They don’t do what is right they do what is right for them so the fact that my medical disaster was coming to a head you best believe it is common. I almost died in a country that boasts about health care. I am not the only one this has happened to. In FACT this EXACT same event happened EXACTLY one week before me. The difference. She seized for 14 and I seized for 12. By what can only be deemed as a miracle my heart rate shot down just low enough for Doctors to cut me open. They couldn’t do it earlier because they didn’t have my blood type. You see I am that “hero” blood type. O Negative. When you are somebody like me you can save ANYBODY. The cliche of being given that power nobody else can save you. Well only other negatives but we are a rare and hard find. That is why at the start of the pandemic Alberta Health Services tried to get me on the line.
I died yet I am here for no other reason just because and although that word seems like nothing it means everything to me. I live differently because for 12 minutes I know what it feels like to no longer be alive. I know that feeling of trying to rest your hands on your loved ones shoulders as his head rests in his hands. I know that feeling of feeling like I was nowhere just floating with no care or even a thought. That rush I had when I finally woke up and saw my sister standing there. In those moments when you are brought back to life you realize that what happened to you was finally true. The fear in my father in law’s eyes as I opened my eyes. The only thing I could think of why are you all worrying didn’t you believe I was stronger than that?
I have my baby and I am so thankful for him. Since he came into my life he has become all that I can trust and all that I have desired to know. So many people have come and gone out of my life and I hope he never will. My stomach is in knots knowing that my Dad is alive out there somewhere and we will never, ever talk again. I have to live in this moment because it hurts too much to live anywhere else. In this moment I can be anything, be anybody, I could be worthy of being loved and more. My emotions are so confusing and they threaten to take me away. I struggle to find a purpose and it gets harder to breathe everyday. I have these glorious gals I have in my life and without them I don’t know what I would do. When I see there smiles on my feed in the morning they become my strength when I have nothing left to give. It is so odd to think that they have accepted me in every single way and we have never met and those who have met me have turned there back and ran. I am still that scared little girl wondering why this all had to happen to me but when I close my eyes and think back it all feels like a terrible dream. Our babies are these pieces of us that we hope to one day get back but not too soon. I have to live in this moment because every other moment hurts too much and at least this way I still have a little bit of hope. Until you have lost everything then gained it back in a mini form who is just as fierce as you and isn’t scared to go toe to toe or eye to eye with you in every single way you don’t know the extent of what you are truly capable of. To make a fiery little human filled with so much hope and so much promise I know I will do anything to protect him. That means being authentic and true with myself in such a public format and place. I want no regrets in life now that I have been given a second chance.