What scares me about a narcissist is they are the ones who are out there for complete and total domination and control. They blend well with their surroundings as they make all those around them believe that it isn’t something that they have done but you. You are the guilty one who is not to be forgiven as he demands to have “all eyes on me.”
It’s weird. It is something like I have never seen before and I believe that I have vanished away long ago. Can this be real? But it has to be? Am I still living for all to see. My surroundings will tell you that I am very much alive but what confuses the hell out of me is am I the victim in all of this or am I in fact the foe. Everything I say and do is getting deflected back onto me so I freeze. I forget everything that I am during this time as I become so still and silent I can barely breathe. Is it me like he says it is that is doing everything in my control to meet his demise or is it him like I believe?
To sit another day in silence sounds incredibly appealing to me as I decide to go silent and just get lost in another day dream. Today is different. Today is the day Gabby Pettito’s dad can be heard asking girls stuck in controlling situations to get out now because you are better off alive. I tell my husband all the time that some times my anxiety takes off and I do start thinking about the worst. Not that I could take away somebody’s life or do something violent. It is the reverse that I fear sometimes. The only person I know and trust 110% is me and I just can’t get my nerves to calm down and rest. How can anybody truly ask yourselves. Even our children can take our lives away in a pubescent instance of rage. We control all that we are, were and ever will be yet we allow somebody to take away or dull our shine. Why is it that we allow others to have control on our sanity? I have no idea if I am insane or sane.
My prescriptions will tell you that I am mentally ill and who am I to say but I guess I would agree? I mean terrible things have happened in life and people have let me down and in my darkest hours and moments all I ever had was me. I am tired of thinking about those and wasting more time trying to get them to notice who I am. I am me and me only. I enjoy who I am. Even more so these days when I am awake. I like being able to create, connect, motivate and do in ways that only a battered tired woman can. You know? When your tired of the world looking down and you and judging you you just go to somewhere else. I live there almost constantly and it used to be so depressing at times. Used to be. Still is. It’s a battle a fight among myself and I am ok with nobody ever winning. I love the crazy, depressed moments of self reflection it reminds me of where I have been and at what cost. Shows me who is most important in life and shows me ways to give back and invest.
So am I the narcissist I don’t think so but if I am how would I even now? I do enjoy things a specific way and I fill my own sails with wind every day. It is a hard life trying to meander through it seemingly unloved and untouched. There is no sense of instant gratification just an immediate fill of what used to be and what never will. There is so much at stake if you indulge in your own senses for far too long. That is why I find it hard to believe it is me because I am always stressed out about dog, cat or even these days bird. There is this incredible responsibility to connect with life in the most sincerest of ways. Watching my dog battle through is own depression how could I see that if I was so over the top and worried about mine. All I can do is stare into their eyes and try to connect with their emotions. I think that is why when it comes to my husband I just keep my head down and keep motoring.
Divorce them they say but what do they know. The only problems here is that I just get on his nerves. Everything I do just sets him off in every possible way. Whether it is a video, post or blog he hates it and his energy has wreaked havoc on my nerves. I stare at the floor whenever he is around and I close my eyes. I look for my inner being the most and I beg her to give me the strength to not let him see me cry. When he is around I feel so flustered, lost and confused. To live everyday so disconnected with a person is becoming more than I can withstand or even care to feel. Where do I go when the world begins to close in on me this way? Is it my dominant, narcissistic behaviour or is it the fact that I feel so betrayed. This life that I have come to know was built on a lie. Devoid of any emotion or a friend to hold onto when I begin to cry. My angels in this life are the animals that I now call friends. Without their undying love and devotion I think it would be easier to make my story come to an end. My desperate attempts to connect with any living being may have come to an end. Tired of my own emotions, in life all I ever wanted was a friend.