If life is a game and we are all in constant competition yet none of us get out alive does that mean that we may have been playing the game wrong? To watch our brothers and sisters suffer in less than mediocre conditions in order for another being to outshine us all doesn’t that make us the biggest losers of all?
I think about my current situation and if I am in fact adding to it or detracting from it. I mean, I have an AMAZING family, kindof which leads me to think if I was where I was 5 years ago would I have withered up and died? What most don’t understand is at 38 I was still single. Working 2 to 3 jobs just to pay my bills. Well pay my bills and have all the extra’s. It was still mine to own.
Before I made the big move out of province I swore I never would. I always clung to some idea of what was possibly even though the toxicity of the streets began to know me by name. I guess my 20 year old heart thought it felt good to be admired by some of the biggest gangsters. I say admired because at my age that is what they saw. An old lady who kept to herself and minded her business but still had this idea of the life she thought she wanted. At 30 I was hanging out with these kids that were breaking every law that you could ever imagine and even dream. What they did in there spare time didn’t matter to me all I wanted was their company. I knew they possessed no future so it was good practice at what a housewife should do. I was the girl to bring to a party because I knew just how to play the game. Keep your hands and your eyes to the one that you brought you don’t you think of playing around and trying to play no games. What I knew getting involved with these guys in this way is they never wanted me and I never wanted them so they desired me in that way.
To be so broken and lost in ones own life is the greatest sin. Wasting away years of doing nothing feeling like a nobody it took everything I could to just breathe. Every so often I would get a glimmer of hope that would carry me through the weeks and days. My first Pin-Up contest for example stole my heart for all the obvious ways. This is who I was born to be. A compassionate homemaker and wife. When I was dressed in this era it was like my Grandmother came to life and my heart just beated with pride. At first I got along with the girls until I began to share my story. Then I was that old loser with no money and they would never invite me to go to car shows, or picnics or ladies night outs to play. What I witnessed was these incredible horrors at the words that slipped out of their mouths. My depression took me down so deep all I could do was cower and pray.
My life. Me. Was desperate to be loved for who I was inside. I didn’t want to play or act or lie, cheat and steal and everything else where moral’s lacked. All this began to crumble around me as this pandemic came to a head. I couldn’t stand the negativity and lies no more my insides were about to implode! But the Universe had these other plans for me. They were going to keep testing my strength and loyalty and truly test to see who was going to be my ride or die. Believe it my Dad keeled first and my sister’s run hot and cold. It truly is in our DNA. We get butt hurt easy and like to hold grudges. I guess you could say we learn from the best because this all has been a long time coming.
My in-laws, well they are as they are there is not much more I can say on that. It is what is to be expected with such unique and dynamic personalities that there is bound to be some clashed after all. Clashes are fine in a way but it is the meat of the potatoes of the argument. Did you just go for the jugular or did you decide to feed on the heart. Vultures are everywhere you have to look for the pure of heart. The purest of those being guarded and locked up. Purity only comes from earning a stain that had to be bleached out and depended on the method used will determine how you turn out. For example when it comes to riding of stains most households would think of bleach. Soak the item in question over night and see what happens. We do this with alcohol and drugs. We rid ourselves of the pain by chasing those demons away but once the buzz wears off we are right back to wear we started. Kind the same thing is true with bleach stains. Over time the integrity of the fibers is ruined and there is nothing left. You waste away quicker when you don’t take care of yourself.
There is the bleaching of the sun which can only be achieved over time. What that indicates to me is the only way to rid yourself of those demons is to lay out and let them fully dry. Of course they define you they are a part of you now but you can use that experience to help out others make it your purpose in life somehow. I didn’t want to be ashamed with my authentic approach to how I view life. I believe I was born to be a lady and I shouldn’t be ashamed to speak up as such. There were too many times when I was made to believe that what I was feeling was invalid because I became too scared of how humans liked to betray. Turning on each other as quick as they turn on their heels with no regard to cost.