Fearing Loss

The validation we so desperately seek needs to come from inside of us and the longer we put of the inevitable the more desperate we shall be.

I think about what I need to accomplish on the day to day in order for my life to feel validated. The monumental force I feel to stretch my abilities beyond their capacity is more than I can some times bare. I want to make a different in my life and the others of those around me so how come it is almost impossible for me to realize the impact that I may be. Maybe to others or maybe just to myself there is no way of truly knowing what matters most in this life. Not even when we take our last breath.

The Universe can be so cruel or at least that is how we perceive her to be. What we fail to understand while we are alive may never make sense when we make our way to die. I feel for those around me who have lost their life to soon. Especially those that I was warned about. A foreshadow that I wanted desperately to ignore. Melancholy only threatens to take me when I am emotionally at the brink. I think that is why I forced myself to look at life differently. We should all have a feeling of something great.

There are too many friends I have known that have crossed over alone into the night. They left when they thought no one was looking. Didn’t even leave I note to ease our hearts. Some had no idea that there time was up that night. Others thought maybe there was a chance they would wake up and see the morning light. I hate the way we are so desperate to be loved but we fail to find it deep within ourselves. We are more than those who empowered to get here. We are a combination of everybody’s light.

Sometimes though when I am desperate I fail to see the light. The ominous way the shadows lurk threatening to take me over and out of sight. There is comfort in the pain when the rain comes to carry it away like one last thought leaving our semi conscious brain. The art of not knowing, of knowing what used to be, what will never be again or what remain forever out of our reach. Our time is coming at least in our family that is. Make the room for another great loss the gates of remained closed for far too long.

When I am most desperate I think about those that would do anything to be in the position that I am in. A family that seems to fit all the pieces if you believe me the one to be mentally ill. A prisoner in my own mind I try to be present more but there is so much debris. So much filth and ruins from others in passing how was I to know what to hold onto and what to toss out. Loyalty is sought after by many but not many can return the same favour. It is hard to trust one when they are not in their company you can always let your imagination run wild and free. The characters we play when we think the world is watching is a lot different than the person we hope to be. Sometimes the two will cross paths like an enigma leaving a fire storm long into the night. When people can’t handle their own truths they look towards another to pass blame. I watched a lady lose her life on a Facebook live this morning, her ex boyfriend was to blame. Not even a boyfriend because she was the other woman. Tired of being his second choice she sent him packing and decided to move on with her life. Even a cheater can’t handle rejection as he sought out revenge. He actually said, “Game over B*tch” as he shot her 6 times in the back.

Awful isn’t it? The way some can’t let go? Or the way some can’t tell the truth because they hate the way it feels more so how it looks. He already had a woman but he still took her life. How is that the world we live in. We have social media to thank. The message we try to send to others is it the truth or is it just lies? Can we return the same favour of faith or will we keep twisting it until we are in favour and we come out on top having our way? We shouldn’t be allowed to have our cake and eat it too unless of course we offer it up to share. Why do we need to be so gluttonous in our behaviour when we have been blessed with all that we need to live happy and more? I guess not all of us get that luxury than Father Time begins to take it away. Some lose their parents as young children, some parents lose their kids at a young age. Does their purpose in life change dependent upon a few disastrous things. The poison that begins to pollute us the minute our loved one takes their last breath threatens to destroy us and if we allow it to it will do so in every possible way. We will begin to think of things we never believed possible up to and including what lies for us waiting when we sink to impossible depths. I hope there are others waiting when I get to the other side. My biggest fear is that there is nothing so everything we did here will become lost. What would be the point of all this and all the people we stabbed in the bag and betrayed. Will our devious actions be forgiven or will they be carried beyond the grave? I could only imagine what those who have lived before think about us now and would they still fight for our lives to save. Lay their lives on the line for our more than obnoxious ways. So the only chance to save ourselves from an incredible fall from grace is to be kind to one another and try to always return a smiling face.

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