Feeling of Self

I feel it now. I feel it more than anything. At times it becomes somewhat tough to decipher but it is always the heart of it after all.

Self worth. Sense of self. You know our purpose to living and where our hopes amd dreams come to fruition. Who we were meant to be when no one else is around, when their backs are turned or when we are alone in the dark in the middle of the night. All the outside variables becoming still in your mind for it is at this time you finally feel complete. Not pulled to pieces in every which way as we rise to meet the demands of the day.

Why do we try so tirelessly to impress those who don’t give a sh*t about us either way. You know which way. Backwards and while your *ss is turned a Michael Myers knife in the back just to stall you. That is what another’s opinion of you should be. Just a road block to your final destination. Ya it sucks and there is a chance you may get hung up but let’s hope you have a strong gut instinct to save you. A sense of purpose. A matter of being. A total state of what was and forever will be.

I love when they fabricate a version of me they need me to be like they fail in life if I am in fact good. True intentions become clear all the time and once found out I am like I thought so and move on. I am not scared to call anybody out because I know my truth and where I stand and I will weather any storms knowing that fact regardless of the lies they tell and stories they spin. What is the harm in pleading your own ignorance without fear of negativity or backlash? Aren’t I human too? Open to the possibility of making the same mistakes as anybody else who has had the opportunity to walk around this great Earth? Maybe it isn’t so much the possibility of what could be but a fear of what is or an actuality of what could happen if you tried and failed or maybe the impossible happened and you realized all your dreams. How can you reach the stars if you are doing nothing to help yourself get there? How can you live a different life if you do the same things every day expecting something different to happen this time. Things don’t happen by chance all the time but more so because of choice. You chose to put yourself out there and try to live differently just the out pouring of self love should be enough to sustain you.

Maybe it was because I grew up on Chumbawamba but there was nobody who was ever going to knock me down. I got knocked down more times than I wish to count but I always got back there was nobody in life that was ever going to keep me down. No matter the nights I would waste away I would always wake up the next morning with the devil in my step. It wasn’t so much the blood of my enemies that made me fierce it was the sacrifice of my babies who made me relentless in my dreams. The Mayan culture talks about the need for a human sacrifice to keep the bad men at bay. Literally speaking I suppose I gave up my first to the Universe in the hopes of something more. I can blame my Dad all I want to for not giving me the choice but maybe if I was strong enough I could have ran, there is no point in second thoughts. This is what happened and this is my story so I used it as fuel to never get up. Get kicked down yes. Get knocked out. Sometimes. But there was no way while I was living I was going to allow that sacrifice to be for nothing. Not in this life time and sure as hell as not in the next.

When I think about where I sit in the grander picture I get nauseated with fear. In the end nothing matters. Nothing will matter in the end. The life we would have killed for turns to dust and we destroyed so many before us for reason not even a what’s for. Nothing. Nobody. It all gets returned back to where it use to lay before we came here and were devious and even hurt our own children and turned them astray. The very realization of what those before us have done and there is no way we can ever make it better we can never go back should rock us. It should shake us to a place that we never want to go back and it should be used to make us better but in reality it is all still fake. I like in a country where our leader spits on the grave of thousand and thousands unidentified babies. I ask myself if I had at my fingertips to do the right thing could I? Without a shadow of a doubt there are files that can be opened that can return all these babies to the heavens and their families but for some odd reason our government just won’t. What happened in this land our crimes against humanity, it was cultural genocide and yet we are still snide. There should be nothing more important in this world than making things right so I know the devil walks among us because they are incapable of doing what is right.

So now I have found my shine and I am going to shine like I have never shone before. I have found my one person in fact I have found many. The brighter the shine the more my light catches on and there are others just like me. We shine on together in knowing there is safety and friendship in all that we see. It took a hard road to find some but at least we all got here and we did so au natural and we did so organically. The love we seek first starts internal and than it starts to grow. It will light up the nights in heaven it will put on a quite a show. There is nothing that can stop a determined group of a few from learning to live differently and to try adopting something new. A new habit or a new skill or just a new way of life. What I love about my community is that we are non judgmental and open armed.

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