Eyes Open, Heart Closed

Listening to the tirade of insults making its way to me makes me want to die. Not cry. I am out of tears. Just tired of the way my husband controls me and all the hurtful words he uses against me in order for him to have his way. This is my living nightmare. He sucks all the joy from my being. I hate how our relationship started on lies and I hate how far in the wrong direction we have come. If I get called a fat, lazy, pig again well like I said if I don’t get out of here I will die.

To listen to his venom reach out onto my family as he calls them every hurtful word in the book. Bending over backwards for his family I will do no more. Telling me money talks and he will make sure to take away my son. That I am too poor to fight for him and when it comes to justice money always wins. I can’t deny how I hate this man or how he makes me feel. Before him I was on top of my world and now I am nothing more than the dirt beneath his feet.

I can’t do this anymore but really what is the option? I watch these true stories of families snubbed out and I wonder how close to the truth this could be. This man has been out to get me since day one. Since the time that we started dating he was always filled with rage and so much hate for me. Listening to all the things he says about me is getting to be far too much. Where does one find hope in this world when they no longer have a love to hold onto. I can only stand by as my son kicks and pummels me in the face. He is leading by his Dad’s example and there is no way of saving grace.

I had to be so strong in my love for myself because I have nobody else who will. What is the sense of fighting when you armed your attacker with all your weaknesses. You can’t get strong with a constant knife in your back. I am scared of what to do next. My stomach is directly connected with my nerves. Can anybody hear me because I am scared now. I have nobody who wants to save me are these becoming my last words? Every weakness and secret I have ever told he has used against me to make me cry. All I keep on wondering is will I be loved before I die?

All I wanted was a chance at a family and what I got was the wind removed from my sales. A permenant reminder of what a waste I am and ridiculed for being pig of the year. I am not lazy. I am just sad. The chance of knowing another baby was ripped right from out of me. I want to scream to the heavens and cry to I drown. I am sorry for all that I am and have done and I wonder desperatly if I will ever find peace. This man hates me with every fiber of his being. Imagine how much hate one has to say to the mother of his child such horrible things. A fat, lazy, filthy pig and he wonders why I just wait around to die.

I need out of this life and it sucks because I waited so long to have a family like this. Now I have to dig down deep and admit to myself that it is time to move along. No more words or sad stories just one deep breath and gone. Which way do I go? I truly have no idea. Tired of having my mental health played with though it seems like I have no choice. Stuck in a loveless marriage and haunted by previous abuse I feel numb. I feel like a punching bag with no stuffing. Useless to everyone even my abusers.

Every word he breathes is designed to cut me open like a knife. Waking up to his words of hate as he tells me I am an unfit mother unable to care for my son as he lights another cigarette and retires to his throne. Everyday is the same. I awake to another nightmare as he threatens to extinguish my shine. Making me feel like a loser. Trying to make me believe that I am beyond hated and I should just blow out my brains and die. Every word he has used to destroy now becomes the fuel to set me ablaze. I know what I did to deserve this life. Is there any way to stop what is happening to me? Will I finally find tje strength to extinguish the flame?

I am tired, so tired of having to listen to all the things he hates about me and in all the ways he tells me I fail. To have to listen to his self righteous tirade again just makes me want to put a bullet in my eye. I am not a loser with a family that has come from nothing. Our love was never conditional or could be bought with dollar and cents. One day I will be brave enough to finally walk away or take my own life. In the absence of human love I look towards my animals to save me. They are my true salvation. They love me unconditionally even when the rest of the world won’t. I know I am more than hated by my husband but I am not sure what more I can do. I am tired. I am alone and I am scared and there is so much riding on the line. My mental health is only as strong as a tiny row boat heading for a downpour. Scared of what calm waters look like or even to find the shore. I know what is coming next will more than likely rock me to my core.

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