Aimless

It’s incredulous to me how different people can be based on who is watching. They put their whole lives on complete display yet somehow seem to think they can be sneakier than a snake. Pretending to be some way to attract a certain type of attention then snapping back to reality when the mood arises and they see fit.

We all want attention. We all crave it and desire it and will do almost anything to get it. Not just from anybody though. We obsess over those we think we love. Love isn’t that misguided and misinformed though. I just thought y’all should know.

Sure a break up is devastating because you are once again faced with the reality of possibly growing old alone. The inevitable is that somebody is going to leave first unless of course y’all get taken out the same way. Aging is scary to most and it is something that we all tend to fear. We criticize the old like the didn’t live a full life before us and we cast them away till we have some need. My heart breaks for some especially those that are alone in their loss. Trapped in their own memories that time has already threatened to take away. I have watched dementia more than once rob a mind from a body to soon. Where they go to seek comfort in that I life I know that I will never know. For if I do experience such memory loss how would I even know or realize that is all that I have left.

We rush so fast into being somebody that we can’t even stand. So many nights I spent alone wondering if there was a point or if I should take my own life. The reasons why I could never was because I was always too scare. Too scared that there would be nothing and nobody to meet me over there to hold my hand. I get so scared that after all this is done that is it. C’est la vie good night. That is what makes me push harder to find myself while I am here and not others judgement break my stride or slow my pace.

If I were to believe that we were to go somewhere after all this than I have to believe that they are watching and cheering for me on the other side. Now if that was a possibility don’t I owe it to myself and them to make this life and time a better place? The focus should be in the now and what can we do to reach for the moon, sun and the stars. Why live the same day over and over again if you are running in the same spot ? This may be it. This could be all and what did we learn in this experience? How to be rude? How to be crude? How to look ourselves in the eyes and continue lying to ourselves. I take on too much and I love what I do. Surrounded by all forms of life and taking chances connecting with others through their love of passion and art. That is what it means to me to be put on display. For that 15 to 30 seconds in time I am not alone and my purest intentions can be heard. Not by everyone and in that I am entirely ok. I don’t want to be bombarded by a million when one or two is all you need to fulfill a day. To make time matter and make the most of every minute is the only way I can think. When I take on way too much in the day and the dishes pile up in the sink I know that eventually they will get done so the last thing I do is to get into overdrive and begin to panic. I try to remain in somewhat control of my emotions it just gets hard when you think you are moving mountains and come up against a hill. Is there anything more annoying than those who say they are inclusive of everybody? Except you…ya you. You can go away!e mirror and lie straight to our own face. That is what we do when we become to scared to express ourselves. To wear that dress or wing that eye or heaven forbid clean up. Have we become so complacent in our desire to fall in love with ourselves that we just allow others to do all the work? Wreak havoc on our self esteem and values like their opinion should have any sort of worth.

I hate the ones that lie to us and say they are inclusive of all life. What I know is I HAVE been controversial but I am trying to make the world a safer place. Away from the leering eyes and sighs of discontent. I watch y’all glorify evil and violence but nudity is the ultimate sin. Not nudity. Some could say and do say art. My connection to the outside world in my truest form. The only form that do know so I want to love and embrace myself. To try and hide who I am and how I came to be I think could possibly be the ultimate sin. To run towards the inevitable without even trying or taking a glimpse of what could be because you refused to listen to yourself. There are so many weird circumstances that come to you on the day to day. Whispers from a lost friend that begin to remind you of where to go. Objects seem to appear and disappear out of nowhere like it somehow makes sense after all.

To think too hard of what could be would only make me insane. I try to fall aimlessly through time not gripping to hard at objects as I go. I surround myself with playful silence because it is all my brain has left. Hurt by being too open at times. How I wonder how long till my heart stays closed.

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