Just Hold On

“If you don’t heal what hurt you, you will bleed all over those who didn’t cut you.”

Think about that. Truly marinade in it and all that it means. Instead of adorning our scars as badges of honour and right to be we rip them wide open for all the world to see. We allow our wounds to cover those in our general vicinity although they have done nothing wrong but show up. Our misplaced emotions truly wreak havoc on our soul.

What happens when what damages us so bad we lose all control. Losing our ability to eat, sleep and even think we would do anything to have those in which we love back. I watched a guy pee all over the side of my frozen car because he thought he had the magical piss to light up the night. He made me cut off my hair, have sex with runners on and would only make love to me from behind with my head smashed into the pillow. He would do ALL these things yet I still desired him. My desire for him came from a place where I didn’t want to be alone. I guess in some ways I still feel like that. Except for now I kinda feel trapped.

I never healed from past trauma. I never understood the importance too. My thought process was that these events I could not change so it was up to me to accept it as gospel fact and move along. I am very aware that this journey wasn’t designed to be going along solo but it becomes epically harder after you have been betrayed. Trust me on this. Maybe you know. Once you have been taking advantage of it is rare your heart will ever be the same or left intact.

I don’t want to play with those that are hell bound and determined to break all the rules. When push comes to shove they want to set you on fire and push you down a wooded hill. Not towards any moving stream or body of water but the driest of the dry underbrush. I could set my soul on fire or I could set my soul a blaze. Maybe it is necessary in order to find the pieces that are missing so that I can feel complete in another way. I want their face to be the only face I recognize in a dark, crowded room with my eyes closed. I want my heart to race and my palms to feel sweaty every time they are near. I want my energy to intertwine deeply with another being like we are the only two living on Earth. I want time to stand still yet move so fast every time we touch and lose control. I am tired of feeling so disconnected from the living I do what I do for a reaction because sometimes even negativity reminds us of what it feels to be alive.

So I wait. I wait for a reminder of what it means to be human as I continue to run on the spot. My fear is my husband will succoumb to his anger and I will never know what it feels to be truly loved. I sit alone in fear most days waiting for his anger to be fueled by something mundane and there is nothing I can do to prepare or prevent his furry from bubbling over and shining through no longer containing his rage. I try. I do try but some days I just feel tired, alone and more confused. I want to connect with somebody, anybody I even see true love and connections occuring among my pets. What would it feel like to be hugged by somebody who loved me or to press my lips up against another. My body craves physical intimacy and affection I don’t want to carry this feeling of not knowing back to my grave. What I would give to be woken by the rays of the morning sun lovingly wraped in my lovers embrace.

So what the Universe needs to hear is that I am still open and searching for my lost loved. The feeling isn’t lost on me that they have already slipped through my fingers. When that thought over takes me I try to comfort the idea that maybe it is possible we have more than one that fires up our soul. That maybe true but if you consider the pieces of a puzzle it is only possible to have 2 to 4 perfect pieces. Not every piece is meant to fit into each side but we will continue to force in the pieces to make sense in our unique ways. I am tired Dahlings. My heart hurts in every possible way. Tired of being unloved and untouched, an ogre to others some would say.

I have drawn myself so far in I have become inside out. Baring all and sharing everything like barbs shooting outwards trying to take hold. We need to notice ourselves before anybody else will. We have to hang on so tight till our knuckles turn blue and we tragically take our own lives because we get so tired of waiting on baided breaths. When I think about what it takes to get noticed I can’t help but think of the others that are incredibly shy just like me. To constantly get pointed at and ridiciled at times is more than I can take. I loved to be loved and be loved but I desire to connect with just one. To connect in such a way together we will become intwined and noone will ever know exactly where we begun. But what if it’s not meant for me, never being touched or hugged again. I would yell and scream and cry but I know the damage has already been done. I wait for love and peace to return to my heart. Until then I will hold my breath and continue to hold on. I can’t believe this day has come. I pray I can hold on long enough to see ms through.

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