Love to Hate

I can’t do this anymore here with this morning. EVERYTHING he does is to destroy me and my self esteem. I get called the pig who is content in living in filth yet HE is the one ripping my son’s diaper off in the middle of the night and waits for me to pick it up off the floor.

Ever get called fat and lazy because you have gotten tired of the insults and refuse to clean up after him? Trust me I know that the cleanliness of my house is a direct reflection of my son but why do I need to be a slave to a man who thinks I am nothing but a slut. That is what he called me RIGHT before I got pregnant. The last time we were mutually intimate was March 11, 2017. Yes you read that right. And yes I had a miscarriage this year but we were only intimate 3 times and I had to show him an ovulation stick just to get laid. He didn’t touch me or caress me or kiss me in anyway. He just got his rocks off rolled over and went straight back to sleep.

I hate my life so much that I can’t see past anything else. I miss the touch of somebody who loves you and those hugs that just make all your pieces melt back together. I am so tired of those who claim that they will be there cheering for you but they are the first to leave when things go south. My life has been permanently pointed south since the day I died now I wonder why I even bothered coming back. Since I arrived back at the hospital all that was exposed to me was the lies other people told each other and their own insecurities and truth. What I began to witness was the way other people would pretend to care even though they didn’t. Fake friends are the worst out of the bunch. They make their profile statuses about you and try to get other’s to sympathisize with them and feel sorry for them. I had a group of women claim to make frozen food for us during my recovery. It was all smoke and mirrors and lies so just the sight of these evil naysayers just turns my stomach and lunch.

My life I only hate because other’s make it that way. Yesterday I was on fire and I was exploding with this nervous, excited energy. What happened in the time from when I went live to just a short time after was my husband. He saw my radiant smile, perfect hair and full face of make up and disappeared for a few hours. He hid away downstairs and let me sit in a room with 3 barking dogs and a toddler. I did make the trek to tell him my mental health was spiralling and I was about to get pushed over the edge. I asked for help with the dogs and our son and what I got was playing with my weed

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