How Far I Could Have Been

So now my limitations to the outside world is my form of self expression down the dark rabbit holes of Instagram reels to try and express how I feel. I feel like there is some sort of grip on me trying to take some kind of torrid hold. Maybe it is what some say “seasonal depression” accelerated by desire to get off my medications.

There is a constant battle in my head that is truly driving me insane. I have walked on pins and needles so long they have pierced through the other side and it is almost impossible to stand on my own two feet. Exhausted from the sheer weight of it all I am easily angered and more annoyed than usual which would seem to be offsetted if I just increased my Effexor. Hmmm so just in writing it out and now reflecting back I held the secret in my head all along.

I kept shouting that I would go back to my Doctor to go back to my meds as a threat to my husband for some reason when things got heated. So that would mean that I could in essence increase my CBD instead of going back to pharmaceuticals so I think the idea of formulating a dose that sits at 3000 mg maybe ideal. It maybe too much but heck truth be told I am slowly losing my mind and if I am going to try something I think I just may want to try that.

I still like to dress like a lady everyday and present myself in such a way that appeals just to me. Why wouldn’t we want to master the way our body moves to prolong the health of how we see ourselves. I know my reels are empowering to some and that is what I think is what matters most. The shade of the day comes from a lack of self expression and if only they reached out to me I promise to never let go. I just hate the bite of a fake friend so I don’t think I will dance twice with one I did my time there so why even think of going back.

So how else can I express myself in another way that might provide a value to somebody else. Again that seems a little bit obvious with my desire and passion to formulate the best of the best! I love the way soaps and bath bombs feels and moisturizers and oils and ANYTHING else luxurious for the skin. That is why I was a Skin Care Specialist at Sephora Dahlings and it was the best time of my 30’s!! I will tell you that!

To empower women means so many things and it starts with taking chances in who you want to be. I already got the title International Beauty Specialist and a Business Degree so why not combine the best of the both World’s don’t you think? And then I added in my Color Street because a 4 in 1 Nail Polish that works YES PLEASE!! You have to be prepared to live you life a little differently in order to bring into life all that you can do. To sit and remain stagnant and never taking a chance would be the biggest sin in your life don’t you think. To take the hand of a beautiful stranger who only want you to fly or to keep on doing what you have always being doing.

I like to close my eyes these days and try to feel the energy in the room. What can I do to change the air more positively is there anything at all I can do? I jam pack my day full of everything because I am scared this is the night my energy won’t see me through. I am so tired these days of other’s lack of disrespect and immediate discontent. Reacting like life is a competition in some way not truly believe in love is love and all that crap. That is how they see life. An eye for an eye. They want retaliation for all the bad that has happened and they will manipulate every rat, dog, snake in the room. It’s about revenge and who can hurt more or withstand the fire and the rage. Misplaced hate. Unannounced rage like it is going to make their life better somehow. There is no good that comes out of trying to hurt others in unthinkable ways and that is anything that affects their life and livelihood.

So here I sit exhausted from a life of ruins that I have been stumbling on for so long but somewhere out there over the horizon I see the promise of a beautiful sunset and I don’t want to miss or ignore. I want to run into that sunset like nothing else was going to matter and in the end it would be the most beautiful thing. What is the worse that could happen? Something great or something bad it still moves me one step closer into who I want to be and one step closer into oblivion where others have dared to go. That thought alone is both scary and inspiring as it threatens with our sane mind and threatens to take us out of this place. At least that is where I get pulled sometimes when the energy threatens to take me when there is that incredible pull with no going back. That thought that takes us so far that once done it can’t be undone. That is what makes me sit on my hands in silence and close my eyes as I try to take notice of my space in the room. There is fear laced inside everything as I fear I may never be good enough. In an among the hesitation I realize at least if I don’t begin to start somewhere I never will no just how far I could have been.

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