Hold My Breath

Gravitate towards what makes your life feel good and stay there. It is so much more than a getting off kinda thing but more like a thing that will set your soul ablaze and burn long into the night sky.

Why would we feel shame for a feeling that makes every nerve ending come alive and stand on in. Be it a smell or a touch or even just an inkling or a feeling there is something in that moment you will forever always crave. Would it be wrong to marinade in that feel good moment for as long as possible even if it meant breaking away from other traditions and every else we have all come to know.

The world is so strange now and the only thing that I am certain off is how it all does not make sense. We all lead blindly into oblivion blaming everybody else behind us for what other’s are doing now in purgatory and sin. That is where we all line up blindly to be is to claim what other’s had in front of us instead of daring to be.

A fight between me and my husband the other day that escalated beyond measures had me packing quickly up a bag. As a looked around the room in desperation I realized almost too alarmingly that if I had to start over again I would not even be able to stand on my own two feet. The character I have created was only free to blossom and grow because she was a housewife first and then a mom. That what we agreed upon was that I would stay home and care for the house and animals etc while he was out working hard, paying the bills. Then that changed. He wasn’t working anymore and he was always at home. I truly felt like I was going crazy now. Totally believing I was worthless and void of any human compassion and being.

Every morning I would rise and try to have purpose and make it so that I would keep myself busy so that I would never look back. Not focused on what had happened but what I needed to get on with it and who I wanted to be at the start of everyday and end of every night. I wanted to be somebody that could positively change the energy through self love and even admiration because truth be told we only live once and there is no going back.

Sure there is a sting that comes when ANY body that you have known rejects you. It hurts because you think about all the people that are out there they at least know you are human and that they will give you a chance. It stinks to levels I can’t even explain when they shun you out for things you know that they either do or wish that they could. The amount of self hate that other’s try to cover me with is disgusting. It makes me want to rip their cloaks that they hide under because they pretend they are accepting of EVERYBODY. Except for me. I love myself too much so I need to go.

I get hated because I love being a woman. I love embracing what I believe is the best part of being alive. Pairing a perfect outfit together to the 9’s with at least 5 pieces of jewelry. Truth be told in these times it should be at least doubled, don’t you think? Maybe the rule on jewelry is to far gone because does that include  the crown or no not at all? Then there is the rule that a lady should always wear stockings because going bare legged is not how a real lady things. So what if I admire these rules of dressing decorum even the over the top ones in how I brush my hair. I am constantly brushing my hair throughout the day because old legend says you must stroke your hair 100 plus times just to tame all the untamed lil strands and fly aways.

What is wrong with wanting to be desired again like old Hollywood starlets used to do? It is so much more than just having curves it is can you work those curves and entice a living being from across the room. To know how your body reacts with just a basic touch comes kinda handy if we ever leave the house one day. I hope to compete on that big Pin-Up Stage again so every day is just a dress rehearsal for that day.

Deep down inside of us is that bubble of self shame and paranoia that threatens to pop with every turn and blip on the radar taking with it our self esteem. Do I dare to shine as bright as I can for as long as I can like I was the only one left standing here on Earth? Or do I subside and succoumb to another day of turmoil and waste my last breath? What I know for sure is I love to create with my hands and I do so with a passion that lights a fire in my veins and ignites my soul with a furry that I don’t ever want to stop to know.

What I do know is that the illusion of marriage I find myself in is what is killing me. His narcissistic reign of terror polluting everything I do. There is no good to come out of staying in his vicinty I wonder if I hold my breathe love will see me through? To have a man yell at you in anger for just taking up space is more than my childlike heart can even bare or even take. One day something will come and save me. My only hope is I am alive to see that day through. To be married to a man who sees more value in your demise than he has ever seen in your smile makes me want to say goodbye to this life once and for all.

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