The Thing About Shade

The hardest obstacle I am facing internally is trying to replicate a mood or a feeling that lasted awhile ago and trying to make it last into eternity.

Can it be done? Who knows. But truth be told there is compassion for those who are ready to shed their old skin and binding and move free. I have always defined myself as the abused teenage girl. The one who wanted a boy’s attention but then was to shy to know what to do with it once caught. That awkward pit comes back into my stomach almost ever time I meet somebody knew. What if I am not good enough for them. It was always my insecurities that would shine on through.

I would drink more than was necessary and been known to rip a line or two of coke. At first I did it to fit in. Then I began to do it because I had no choice. That’s when I begin to beat myself up the most I think when I was so insecure of what other’s would think. I knew what I was doing was dangerous but it beat being hated just for being me.

To imagine being a mother way back when I would have damaged more than just my life. Every event that occurred leading up to now was meant to in some sort of way or another. My friend getting murdered in College by her domestic partner told me it was ok to break free and run away. I did run from one dead end relationship into another but that had everything to do with me.

I wasn’t ready to move on past my own trauma. There was no way I was ready to live happy. I needed to suffer for no good reason at all. In my mind and heart it was just something I needed to do. Going to college and then University was just my way of staying relevant in life. Keep doing the step that others expect you too until everything implodes and rips out your heart and face.

The pivotal moment that ripped through my family was when my Grandfather finally left go. I remember my dad saying it was nice to finally be able to move on. Move on from what? Isn’t that a really dangerous though. I don’t move on from the fact they existed. I use their life as momentum to make mine better. I have their portraits hanging around my house. Even my Great Grandparents whom I never met. I want them to know that I am thankful for my life in the good times and in the bad and in some odd way I think I feel their blessing but that is probably just insanity running through my mind.

So life in it’s full meaning we will never ever need to know. If we were to know where we were all going life would be lived differently don’t you think? Why would we race towards money and profit like we could take it with us when we go or use it as currency when we move on. Can’t you hear how ridiculous that sounds when heard. Character, love, strength, and every type of feeling that will course through us at one point another is the reason we are alive. We are alive to feel even heart break and live through the hellish moments before we all become still.

The idea that some just want to pervert another’s life by enforcing their own sick thrills is repulsing. You know the type who will do anything to be malicious citing every excuse as their reason and hoping for others to join in on their fight and crusade. Why not just be thankful. Thankful for another day above ground before who knows what going who knows where. We have to go somewhere but when I close my eyes and all goes dark but you now doesn’t it kind of look like the stars? Wouldn’t that be incredible if we go up to be with the stars? Then again what about those I love? See it gets too complicated when you start to think!

You would have to consider our origin but then if you think if where you come from there is some kind of hate, rage or even abandonment so then that doesn’t work in the end does it? Then the idea of marriage which is some kind of invincible bond but then there are step siblings who hate each other and step parents too that doesn’t sound like eternal bliss if we are all stuck together. Then that makes it so we have to be alone.

Imagine. Hating yourself so much but yet there you are. Stuck alone in your own misery instead of learning what it would take to make your soul sing. There has to be something that makes you feel alive. Yes sure there are significant others and beings but this is more than that this is about you! How can you get to a place where YOU are the person who is loving all your broken bits back together. The damn with relying on another being make this next moment in time all about you!! Light your soul ablaze every damn day and do all the damn things. Heck I got up before the sun even rose and that was moving the clocks back a bit!

So there it is I need to protect myself and make sure that I am always the reason. Love on myself like no other because there is no guarantee another ever will. Dress for yourself and greet every day dressed to impressed. I mean if the devil was going to come and take you today don’t you want to look as fierce as your soul felt while it was still on fire? There is only so much we can do to make the most of every day so I say do what it takes to make it count and be damned about all the hate and shade. Am I right?

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