Everyday I fill my heart with promise and all it takes is my husband and his attitude towards me to kick me down and cover me with dirt.
Not a day doesn’t go by that I don’t hear that I am annoying AF. Imagine trying to be cute and playful and you are told to grow up and go away. It hurts your heart when the man you promised to love, serve and protect kicks you to the proverbial curve. I say proverbial because he makes it impossible for me to move and looks for reasons to have me stay.
I never imagined married life to be like this. Growing up I was privvy to a life where the women was Queen. Sure in my Mom and Grandmother’s castle there was no maid but they took great pride in their surroundings after all. Even our family’s best friends had two boys and the most adorable little mom I have ever seen. What was common in all scenario’s was the pedestal they put the women of the house on.
That is what I strived for. A man that was willing to work hard providing for his family while I provided for the family and made sure their bellies were full. That was a luxury I was never going to see. I wanted to take pride in preparing family meals but my husband hated most things so it was an impossible task to do.
At first it felt normal. You know lovingly preparing a meal, eating half of it and throwing it in the bin. That man could excuse away anything. No matter if it was his favourite food.
His newest insult is to call me annoying. To yell in my face and demand me away. Taking away the things that I enjoy like I am a small child and telling me to get out of his face and go away. That is my life. Tip toeing on egg shells. I behave a little differently when he takes his anger out on anybody else.
We are all annoying to him at the end of the day. Getting in his way too often, getting banished away to keep him sane. My four year old doesn’t understand this rage so like a momma bear I have to rise up and keep him safe.
My son is delayed in his development. Well according to my husband. Explaining away his shortcomings by blaming me and even sometimes his brain. At 4 he is still in diapers. He tells me he is scared to sit on the porcelin god. I try to honour this feeling as how else can he communicate. I believe in past existences so I want to remember whatever it is he has come to know. I want to honour my sons existence and feelings and not get so enraged. He is a product of our emotions it is up to us to help him find his way.
He screams when he doesn’t get his way but so do we. What hope do we have for a son that isn’t damaged. Is it too late to see us through? There is my love in my heart that I have for him that believes that maybe none of this matters. That no matter how hard it is we try he was born with predetermined destiny. Some of us grace the Universe only for a moment them forever light up the night air and sky. I miss those people whose presence just flashed before all of our eyes. Don’t I owe it to them to reach for the stars and my dreams until I take my last breath and it is once again just you and me.
What keeps me going is the strive towards eternal peace and the energy I exude onto all. For example, my animals and if they chose to gravitate towards me as they do have free will after all. I consider myself so lucky to live with so many pets as I close my eyes and aborb all that comes from within. My life goal now is to have total control of energy and maybe in time of my emotions once and for all.
Is it possible to team even the wildest of beasts? I like to think so. Don’t you? Like a kind, selfless heart filled with pure intentions and soul can tame even the wildest of monsters and those filled with evil. Not everybody is destined to end up the same and we should stop ramming our beliefs down each others throats. Right into the underbelly. The soft underside. All that is left is the bleed out so much for that ride and die. To live in the moment can also lead to sin. An over inflated ego, pride, jealousy. You name it narcissism rules.
So what does it all mean and should I just run away and hide? There is serenity in knowing that at least my bills are paid. To think there is more to life then what I have come to know boils down to the sex craved and over driven libido. Maybe I am just guessing. Grasping at straws. And then there are those who are out to sharpen their claws. I was born to stand out but at times I want to blend in. Just at times when the pain gets too much. But only for a minute. A sliver of time. Then I remind myself of who I am and the women who came before me and I vow to myself and to them that I will never give up. For if I do I may never know the strength of a promise made from a mother’s heart. You know the one. The wish every mother makes when they promise to make their child’s life better than theirs. At least that has been mine. And I know it was my mom’s. I assume it should be every parent’s don’t you think?