Coming to Terms

Did you ever get shamed for something over and over again that eventually you let it tarnish the way you feel then you begin to hate who you have become? Like. Who wants to heart the same thing over and over again like it is somehow going to change what you have already heard. Or come to know what it is or how it came to be. An eye for an eye or a tooth for a nail do we ever stop at the revenge that some will always try to seek. Find out what you love and move towards it. Let it be your guide and your driving point home.

My fierce attitude towards life I have learned from living with all these animals. They love and live each day to the fullest and they don’t care what anybody has to say. Take my Lucy. The epitome of love. When death came to take her from me she ran up my arm and onto my shoulder and had hid underneath my hair. She squeaked one last breath then forever left me. I was trying my best not to break down and cry. Not because she didn’t deserve to be grieved it was because she was so great. I couldn’t let her move onto her next piece while having to leave me in such pain. It’s hard. Christmas was her favorite time of year. She loved the lights and the Christmas tree and she was always around for the holiday cheer.

Then there is our Tripawd Smudgie. He is so brave and strong. It is hard to believe he lost a full leg and half of his tale the way he loves his life and carries on. He is the loudest in the house though which I believe to help be an outsource of his pain. We hear stories of humans experiencing phantom pains and there is no experience quite like that on Earth. That is what they say anyways and how will we ever be able to confirm this belief to have us know. We take what others experience as pain and try to minimize it because we don’t like the position we find ourselves in. We would rather hermit and cry and take our own lives. Animals don’t think like that. They value their time here on Earth.

How do we predict a life that some of us will never get to know. My friend passed away only a month ago and it seems most just carry on like he never existed. Sure it makes sense to forget about him and move on but I remember when he was just a child and I would see him everyday at school. Even now I cry because I wish I could have done more but he didn’t want to talk my hand. I felt his cold shoulder and more.

There are those in life who only keep you around as a gage for how worse life can get. Like if only I end up better than you then I don’t have to hold my nose down from the sky and shake my head. I love those in life that I used to know. Those that I only knew for a short reason like there time in my life slowed down and stayed still. We are all getting older as we begin grasping for straws. We want to hurt those we have known in life so we can reduce them to our level.

Think of the vile filth others spew trying to manipulate the situation in order for them to get paid or laid…depending on the type. Oh I used to be a lover there is nothing more that I love than to be adored and to have somebody to love. The love of my life will have a pedestal high enough to reach the heavens because I will move heaven and hell all ways just to see the affairs of their heart be attended too because I have won. It is not a physical or a sexual thing but a pure, selfless love. The kind that can shift the energy in the room to tip the good fortune to their favour. You know what I mean. The type of person who in their presence makes all the bad feelings melt away. Like those feelings in life never happened. Maybe to someone but never to you.

I miss that connection. I fear the unknown or maybe it is what I do know that I fear most of all. I dabbled a bit the complicated matters of my heart and there are still some life shattering secrets I am yet to find out and some that I know. What if I told you the greatest love I have ever known maybe the greatest demon that has ever walked this Earth. I truly never understood that I was dancing with the devil but the more facts that I find out the more my heart gets broken and my mental health threatens to fall. Sure my greatest love now is my son my lil guy but in time he will grow and have his own life. The love that we share will never allow me to chose somebody else. I could never trust intentions what I have learned is that I need to protect myself.

It’s hard to come to terms with the reality that the love of your life is not somebody I am meant to be with. For what he chose to do in life a mother could never forgive. I think about all the lives he changed that day and the ones he took away. My heart forever in limbo as I paid the ultimate price. Instead of finding true love I became a mother and wife. My son is my reason why I can never go back. I just wish I could stop thinking of those days like I want them back.

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