Filled With Dread

This is my worst nightmare but where does one even begin to try to pack up a life to leave. His yells just echo inside my head. They are making me crazy. Making feel nothing but dread.

To think what could have been and what I will never know. I hate that he hates me this much and I have nowhere to go. I hate that he gets off on making me cry. He must. He terrorizes all of us. He hates us for just being.

When I think about how it is I ended up here I start to feel sick. It depends if he is somewhere near us with his rage again or if he has left off in a rage to explode on somebody else. I want to rip off my ears so I don’t have to hear his insults anymore. When he is around I can’t focus I truly want out of this world.

I miss who I was at times before it started to hurt. I hate how he comes at me making me feel lower than dirt. I get that the house could be tidier but I am doing my best. I hate that I feel like I am not good enough as my mental health takes me off to tango.

I want to be held like I was never going to be let go. And if I can’t hold onto love at all then I just want to fall. These thought swarm at me and I can’t catch my breath. My son, my dog, my cats gravitate towards me while my husband just ignores me some more.

Maybe I am worthless and not good enough for respect or maybe I am not ready yet and still have a thing or two to learn. I wanted life to be perfect and I didn’t want it to hurt. Why is he always such an *ss to me. I can’t be the only one who sees this. Maybe I am the only one that feels this. Is there something wrong with me? Even on the best of days I close my eyes and tries to breathe. My chest rarely fills with air as my brain screams for me. The tension alone is enough to break me yet still I soldier on.

My soul is tired from the sheer exhaustion of the resistence I am being met with. I can’t imagine why anybody would want to share an existence with another that just curdles the stomach and turns the nose but here I am. I never imagined married life. To serve and protect? Unless nobody is watching than deflate and pummel and have them retreat. That is how I feel. An unwelcome presence in my own life I can hardly breathe.

I understand the history of complacent dynamics. Who wants to start over in the game of life when half of it is already over. To start again with once again nothing. I didn’t sacrifice everything to get here to have it all blow up in my face. And not in a nice way. I am rarely touched. Left on ice for another, another that will never come.

So much time was wasted on people I was never meant to know. When I think of the events that transpired leading up to the events all I can do is scream and cry. I felt once that electric charge that comes from another and every nerve ending just stood at attention and came alive. I would say once but 3 years later I would run into his unknown to me younger brother and my body responded like he was recognized even though I had no idea where he was or where I even belonged. Right? Moments like this don’t exist. But it happened to me twice. I know the right kind of love will do everything up to and including making you feel more alive.

There is this meme or reel about comparing your High School crush with who you ended up with. The thought process is trying to see if you have a “type”. How odd of a society to push this idea that we need to be attracted to a certain type because of the way somebody has decided to wear their hair? Or the color of their eyes. Maybe there is truth but I would rather be attracted to pure love and I don’t think that is a colour, race or even a specific being.

I wonder what makes our ex’s want to rub our faces with their good fortune. My ex from high school tried to add me to social media to show off his new gal pal 10 years his junior. I had to delete and move along because I can’t be caught up in that way. He was a terrible boyfriend back then and that is why I left him. After returning from University after 4 months away he avoided me like the plague like I wasn’t good enough to have him stay. Finally the morning that I was to return to school my Dad drove me to his apartment in the wee hours of the morning to dump him. I had a tip he was at home so I did what had to be done.

That relationship changed me because I loved him so much but he wanted nothing to do with me so I had to accept the facts and move on. A glutton for punishment so I would try again. 15 years after the first time, after all those years nothing has changed. I know what I am capable of and I am full of so much love. I am scared it will all wither and die inside of me never to be seen or heard from again. I try to remember love can escape anyone and it is not just missing me. I try to remember to be thankful for what I do have instead of focusing on what I don’t have with dread.

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