Back to Dirt

I think I am beginning to understand it a lot better than yesterday and by it I am talking about life. The things that make sense most in the world vs what does not. That has be’s and the what’s not forever fading before our eyes. Who was the teen heart throb of my Grandma’s generation is hardly mentioned now if at all.

You have to try and look through the eyes of those that you would not think to care about much less see. Take people and their pets. You are either crazy about them or you hate them it is rare that somebody actually sits on the fence. Sit on the side lines of your own life by refusing to even participate. Becoming mediocre at best just fading away. No longer taking chances at life not caring at what other’s think or even have to say. Well there are two sides to that story if you know what I mean. There is not caring with confidence or seeming to not care because you are insecure. Too scared to use your voice to stand out among the crowd. Of course not everybody was born to stand out or even take charge but it are the ones who sacrifice their own lives who take my breath away and make me want to curtsy and bow. Pay them my respects by living my greatest life. Filling my heart and soul with hope that only I woman on fire could do.

You have to keep getting up and trying and trying till you almost want to give up but it is in those darkest hours when the sun finally crests over the horizons and you can finally count all that you have been giving. I know love in it’s most purest form over and over again. Maybe not physical love where one just get’s their rocks off but the kind of love that lifts you and prevents you from hitting your rock bottom. Sure there are those times when I am desperate for air but all it takes a nudge and some fur and some super awesome cuddles to begin to wash away my pain. We do need that reminder in life something to hold onto. That I know for sure. Like a list of those we know that love us for sure on repeat playing over and over again. I think it is the replay that gets you when the desperate mind runs longer than what keeps you here. When you lose your grasp with reality there is no telling what could happen eventually.

I am my own worst enemy. I think at times we all can be. That is why it is so important to me that my partner in life can do some of the lifting for me. The obstacles in my way from loving my partner finely and running away to hide are everywhere. My level of annoyance is at an all time high I mean there is no more winning for even trying and I am telling you all I do is try. I guess that is an impossible thing to even think of so why would I even say it. Not everything I do is trying sometimes I do other things like sleep. Even then I wake in a cold sweat and I can hardly breathe. Anxiety is a crippling demon. I just wonder how it is we are supposed to defeat it.

What holds us back from living our best lives, is it fear? Fear of failure? Fear of ridicule? Fear of hate? I guess that makes sense but we can’t please anybody so in not trying aren’t we failing who is most important after all ourselves. If what is holding me back is the fear that somebody who already doesn’t give a damn about me might not like what I have to say? Doesn’t that sound ridiculous that we hold that much value to a stranger on the other side of the screen. It is a social media thing for sure that prevents us from reaching for our dreams. What if somebody calls us stupid and points and laughs then get’s other people to see us as failures too. That is why it is so important to have a little network or those who will always be cheering you on. They believe in what it is you are trying to do and they will always support you 110%. They don’t turn their backs when the going get’s tough. They dig their heels in deeper knowing how much a good friend would mean to you.

I mean that has always been my hope one day in the end. I am my own worst critic in life and I just want to cut off that anchor and fly. Imagine what I could accomplish in life if I stopped talking those opinions of people I didn’t know to heart. Who the hell cares what they think anyways it is not like they live with me or even pay any of my bills. There were days when all I wanted to do was run away and hide and never log onto any social media account so I had to develop a super strong skin. What people do because of anonymity is alarming at best there are times however, when it is down right disgusting. To lie and pretend like you are some way than the way that you are is one of the most deplorable traits. To ruin the life of another for having them believe in you makes it so you should have to pay for your betrayal and sin. I mean to each their own but you would think their would be some sort of consequences for living this life. Wouldn’t their be anarchy if there wasn’t? That thought has always complicated itself in my brain it seems. Why would we listen to those in power or even do the right thing if all we are in life gets returned back to the dirt, 6 feet under.

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