With the Lunar Moon in our orbit it tends to push and pull us in ways to try and make us insane. If you are a Gemini like me we suffer from deep emotions keeping them at bay in order for the rest of the world to not look at us to strangely or even take us away.
13 was how old I was when my Grandmother got airlifted away to get treated for brain cancer. I was scared. I remember the way she looked on the gurney as she lifted her into the helicopter and took her away. She told me she would bring me home a handsome pilot. She also said not to worry she would be right back. Funny isn’t it? After her treatment she came home and the amount of times I saw her never changed. Well maybe it did because she was moved closer. Instead of driving for 3.5 hours with my parents I could walk to see her after school. I miss her but life moves on. I still use her energy to light a fire under me and honor her. Her legacy is still alive in my veins.
When she first got sick I just laid in bed and cried. Even at that young age I was made aware that sometimes when death comes for us there is no coming back. No hugs, no love, no laughter just a box of decaying bones. I couldn’t stop from thinking what happens to us when we die. Where do we go and why does it hurt while we are here? Why can’t people be nice and courteous does it always have to be a struggle to have the matters of your heart heard? To have dirt kicked in your face and get laughed at while you cry. Bad people work together in droves and will stop at nothing to dominate and be heard.
Yes I am emotional. I am so connected and in touch. I feel the pain of those around me and want to do anything to ease their fear. To believe that our destiny’s are not intertwined yet we find ourselves living in the same piece of space is alluring to me. Sure it is easier to believe that we aren’t all connected because it is far easier to kick us while we are down and spit in our faces that way. Why barry my emotions when I can marinade in them and feel. I grew up believing that as a matter of fact.
Why do we hold shame for feeling emotional getting called crazy at the drop of a dime. Does anything get under our skin faster than somebody who says just that. When it comes to dealing with an emotional person it is easy to get them unhinged. Just keep picking! Am I right? My husband has become the puppet master at that. Bringing me to the brink then ripping it away. Over and over again until it makes his day. I think that has become the biggest mistake in life that most make. The constant manipulation of other people’s feelings because in some sick way that is the only way for some to get off. Controlling the lives of others like that was our born given power not caring or feeling for anybody at all.
For as long as I can remember I have been shamed for all of my feelings. No matter who I have come across in life none can handle the sea of emotions that has took place to make me. I have heard everything. Felt every negative emotion and betrayal. So called friends making fun of my life. Telling me to kill myself even if a fraction of those events actually happened. Even when I had the courage to pick up and leave again the people I came across were anything but friends.
I push the envelope of who I was born to be because I don’t want to fit in. To fit in with a sea of fake haters makes me nauseated at best. When I think of ALL the ways I was made to believe I should hate myself I can’t help but laugh and shake my head. Who are you to shame another and take the sparkle out of their eye? Those I am made aware of I keep at a distance and keep my guard. If you hurt me once you will hurt me again so why give you the opportunity to do the obvious.
My younger self was a magnet for pain if there was a loser in a 12 block radius I wanted to know him. I wanted to love on him like nobody else wanted to or ever else could. The situations I would find myself in were down right dangerous. I mean there is a reason why my angels said they were getting exhausted. Tired of guarding me from a life of complete annoyance and disaster ridden. The type of life that would have a normal person running for the hills. It was never about me but in trying to find my true love. I think that part of me died as a teen long ago.
Why do our thoughts become so toxic at times and make it so we can no longer breathe. I wake up in a cold sweat. Gasping for air. I miss the times where I would awake wrapped in loving arms and not this. I panic all the time waiting for what’s to come next as I try to understand where it is I am supposed to go. There is just a few thoughts that bother my brain in an almost obsessive of way but I can’t change anything from the past. With every day that passes it could be the last so I have to love on myself like I am the only one in the world.