In life there is so much being thrown at us that we grasp onto the ones that want to love us. I always wanted to be loved. So badly I started neglecting myself and trying to become somebody I truly didn’t want to be. Absorbing the negative energy around me I was desperate to be free. Free from the lies and the toxic aura that was enveloping me being taken away and buried under all the deceit and lies.
Why wouldn’t we honor our inner child, that lil voice that cries from within. Who do we become when we ignore her? Just another monster knocking at our door. How is it we would ever become comfortable in this obnoxious world we have built. Not only are the innocent getting slaughtered, we allow their murderers to dance in the streets of their victims blood dancing in their own free will.
This existence is sad. We stop at nothing to hurt each other citing our own feelings and emotions as our reason screaming for tyranny if they take away our own freedom and will. We don’t care about our neighbour’s as we are so self centered and ego filled. My neighbour’s chose to hate me just because of how I dress and chose to look. Just like the realm of gender neutrality I chose to embrace all my womanly curves. Why do I need to hold shame because of how another chooses to see themselves but I do? The idea that the way I dress heightens the source of another person’s pain is unreal to me. I struggle just the same I just refuse to become a version of me that would cringe my eyes to see.
When I think of all the ways we can suffer a broken heart it is the one that we make at our own expense that we will always be hoping to take back. The time we went against our greater judgment because the heart we left for others on our sleeves was shattered beyond recognition. There are those that want nothing more to take all that they can find. They don’t want to be honest or pure because in their minds that type of being is below them and more. Taking advantage of the weaknesses of others which in my mind is their biggest strength. To love fearlessly no matter the outcome is one of life’s greatest gifts. To get hurt savagely and still find the strength to keep moving along is a skill I admire and wish to acquire.
Sure to some I have been through a lot but I know the Universe is capable of so much more so I never give up. Some days I do, I suppose, but I always pick myself up and struggle through. What we lack in human compassion we make up for hate and greed. Always lusting, always wanting, always distorting reality until it makes sense to us only and nobody else. That’s what the outside world looking in sees. A reality that is fabricated and nothing else.
Trying to impress the outside world when it is the inside world we so desperately need to connect with and get to know. To be able to control those matters of the heart that threaten to spin our reality out of control is something we all hope for and long to see. The trouble is we are quick to ignore the one who knows us best our inner child after all. Think about how we are created. Two cells in a sea of a million creating a life out of nowhere waiting to come alive and be born. To be filled with so much hope and promise in every possible way until reality kicks down our door knocking out our front teeth. Becoming too ashamed of who we have become we allow ourselves to be tormented, bullied, withering our self esteem and more.
How often do we let embarrassment and shame keep us from becoming the person we were born to be. That insecure feeling that threatens to drag us under and never allows us to see the promise of a new day when it comes. We would rather hide and sleep away the day only to come alive during the guise of lonely winters and nights. An excuse to be depraived to waste away the days forgetting what ignited our heart and keep us wanting for a little bit more. Why would we do that to ourselves? Beat ourselves beyond recognition with wounds so deep and superficial that nobody wants to recognize us anymore.
If we can’t trust the kindness of others what stops us from being kind to ourselves? The sting of another’s betrayal stopping us from being all that we can be. The timid approach to holding onto a little piece of sanity quickly blown to smithereens as we are made aware of our loved ones truest intentions. The ones who pay you lip service whenever they find an ear to hear only to disappear the next day when something shiny distracts them away.
Every morning I try to see through others discontent as they fire their wrath at me and have their way. Good people don’t just happens it takes work and so many people are out there refusing to do anything but cause other people so much pain and hurt. I pray for an existence that makes sense so I have to dig deeper inside myself. Does it matter anymore what others have to say? I am merely just a voided shell of myself. The things I have to hear on the daily just takes my joy away. I hate the things he says to my face like I am capable of washing away the pain. To forget all those words like I have become somebody else as I run to the hills and say goodbye. One day I will find peace in my heart. It takes everything inside my not to fall down and die.