Damned If I Do

This isn’t the life I envisioned. I was prepared for something else. A marriage full of love and respect instead of all this anger, hate and distrust.

What life do we think we are entitled to that can impose the free will and nature of somebody else. To leech the joy right out of their veins in order for you to capitalize and gain will always take me by surprise where others refuse to understand much yet believe I prefer to keep out a hand. Unless of course you bit me before than of course I protect my being and will do nothing more.

So where do we go when what we used to know no longer makes sense. The family I was born into is no longer even a fraction of what it was before. I will never speak to my father again even though he is alive. The last real conversation we had I was at 14. I think that is the thought that kills me. If he can hate me for all that I am of course it makes sense that that hates flows into everybody. When I look at my son I never want to know a life where he doesn’t exist in it. My heart stops when I think that time will come. Either when I leave this Earth or maybe it’s him. One day it will happen and there is not much I can do but try to take a deep breath in and look towards the light.

Maybe that is where the confusion actually stems from. A distorted reality of the way Hollywood wants us to believe about romance and family life and the way it actually is. Life was never meant to be difficult or easy or what would even be the point. If life was all rainbows and buttercups what did we learn to help us survive on the other side. Your looks fade and sometimes disappear altogether but that shouldn’t be what defines us in the end, but it does. It always does. We define who we were in life by all the things we have and not by the person we have become or was.

So to automatically assume that I am warranted anything more in this life is the same thing as saying that somebody is worthy of way less. That maybe true but how are we to know the who, the what and the why not and all that jazz. Dreaming of a different life doesn’t automatically mean you are privy to it. Can’t change your parents, your bloodline, the country you were born in so why do we allow it to create such a big divide. We have no choice in who we were born to be but you best believe we can control our emotions and whether we are nice or an automatic *sshat. You know what I am saying. Some people’s children think it is there God given right to anniliate each other to the point where we can never go back. We have long since been identifying each other by our race and skin when we should have asked is this person the spawn of the devil who only wants his wallet to win? Ask yourself. It’s all right there. The rich get richer and the poor just finds new ways to make the rich richer. I hate the hamster wheel we are all on. Making somebody rich and prosperous while the common people foot the bill. Naseauting.

That’s how it should look to the untrained eye. It doesn’t take a rocket scientist to know and see that some really awful and horrible things happen to good people so there has to be something that is positive in all that. A whole existence lost without realizing their full potential. There has to be a message in all that reminding us to live differently. To reach for those stars and never give up on the idea that they have become nothing more than an infinite source of love that can move through us and inspire us to live differently. Reach because if given the choice they chose to sacrifice their existence in order for us to take that chance and they did so selfishly and fearlessly to serve as a beacon to warn us. Yet we still turn our backs and pluck out our eyes because it is far easier to keep doing what we have always done instead of daring to speak up courageously.

When I speak those around me drop like flies and I love exposing them for their source of evil putrid and raw discontent. You wanted me to fail because it was me and it was far easier to sell me out to pasture with not even a second thought. That I would be to weak from the venomous attack and retreat back into the overgrowth and shadows because who wants to come involved with yet another angry troll. When the truth doesn’t set you free it begins to weigh you down and if you can’t release yourself from the chains of lies you find yourself what hope do you really have. It’s like biting the hand that feeds you and expecting them to feed you more. Why would they you gluttonous fool we are all tired of being taken advantage of and if it has to start somewhere let it start with you. But what we can’t have we have become obsessed with. Everything we can’t have and then some, including people and that becomes a slippery slope. You are damned if you don’t and you are damned if you do and you only live once so what do you think you should do?

It’s all fair and love and war and who is for giving second chances? Not me. Not anymore anyways. After losing everything once in life I would hate to start again. The momentum has just started to change in my favour and I finally think I can. I feel that I am finally worthy of the life that was destined for me and there is something strangely intoxicating about that.

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