Lust In My Heart

There are times when I just sit and contemplate and wonder what the f*ck for. Like why at 2 in the morning would my husband wedge himself in between me and the dog forcing me to get up and find my own place to sleep. It was so much more than the fact he reeked like nicotine but had everything to do with his disregard for me. He didn’t move the obnoxiously oversized Cane on his right he ended up pushing me right out of bed.

I tried to explain how obnoxious and irritating the action was considering I was trying to complete this naseauting mustard plaster because I wake up in the middle of the night not able to breathe but he was already off to dreamland. Oh well, right? What for? Why sit there obsessing over what was possibly never meant to be. Sure there is what’s happening now but how long can that truly last and go on for?

The love that I have always so desperately served had always laid dormant inside of me. It took truly trying to see through the eyes of another existence that truly put things into perspective. Numb for all the atrocities of the world we want to shy away and tuck ourselves in where no one can see. At least that is how I used to be and in some ways still am. I am not afraid to be who it is I was born to be but sometimes my anxiety rises when it comes to leaving the house. It’s more to do with all the things that I have seen that makes me jaded in the company of others. Friends become foes and foes become lovers and anything goes in between them sheets including your neighbors and others you meet.

Sex sells or is it lust we are all after? Nobody seems to be happy or satisfied anymore. Think of sex. The type that curls your toes and begins to rot your brain that you know when it is over life will neverbe the same. I have felt electricity. I crave that initial shock that fries all your senses and has you screaming for air. That feeling I have only experienced once in my whole life. It was too much to handle and I had to say no. When he broke away from me to get a rubber I told him I had to leave. Sure he was shocked but I knew it was true. If I was to succumb to him there was no telling what I would do. My life would have been over so I am glad I ran? Maybe? At times I miss that passion but I do enjoy having a life.

Once you experience that passion there is no going back. Everything in life just seems so basic so you lose that zest for life. That hot headed zest the kind that makes you lose your mind. In the absence of having a sex life I have become more focused and determined. I suppose it is a good trade off to some don’t you think. Think of how lack lustered some are when they lose that physical connection with life? We always define our existence by who was by our side. Why can’t we be the ones to lift ourselves up? To sing our own praises even become our own ride and die. Oh she’s so vain. Is she? Or is she just sick of this sh*t. Waiting for somebody to validate her like she couldn’t be the one to do it herself.

My truth is that I have to be responsive to the Universe. In and amongst the chaos is the moment of truth and love we all seek. It is so much more than bumping uglies and getting our rocks off. It is I see you standing before me in your true, raw form and accept you for everything that you will one day be. That the faults that others have used to define you I will use it to help distinguish your truth and honor and help you become all that you can be. I won’t stand there and kick you while you are down as you struggle to find the beauty in  the day just like me. Life is hard and we don’t have to make it harder by being nothing but an *sshat for the whole world to see. I cut those off. Right at the knee. There is no more chances when it comes to back stabbing me. Uh huh no way. No how. Been struggling far too long now to just give it up.

What would you do differently if you already knew the outcome? Would you give up knowing you would never get there not realizing that what was meant for you was the hustle and experience and you were never meant to get there anyways? Every thing we experience the good, bad and the coyote ugly helps define us and creates the person we were born to be. Who are we to resist what is meant for us. It is so easy to become demanding and selfish in our ways because that is how we have been conditioned. It used to be be bigger, faster, badder but in these days in time we need a more inclusive existence. We are morphing into one type of being and it is incredibly alarming to see. We are either to common or jaw dropping and over the top. Lacking in individuality we make up for with wild and crazy ways. Insane ways and things I will never understand why lie and distort what is right in front of us in the way that everybody does and can. Is it too late to find ourselves living in a world that is sweet and kind or have we polluted our hearts by definition with lust, greed and anger at our neighbour’s and fellow man.

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