What stops me from wanting to live my best life is this long hidden idea that I was never worthy of that kind of ending or story line.

At first I thought I had everything. Going to University a 4 year live in relationship and two jobs to pay the bills. My partner never had a job the ENTIRE time we were together. Well of course he had a job THE FIRST day I met him but other than that he was a lost cause.

We all hope for the best in the people we encounter. I mean why wouldn’t we? Even our first date he couldn’t pay the tab and for the next 4 years it would be me footing all the bills as a matter of fact. I laugh now because I escaped Loserville but I wonder how much better my life would have been if I left Denny’s that night and never looked back. Curiosity of course over took me throughout the years and what I learned is I escaped a coke fuelled manage a trois and 4 and 5. Their bed remains open to whoever wants to apply.

That is not me but I do love to love. I would rather love on myself purely and endlessly than take on another who just wants to get their rocks off. I don’t want to be a place for c*m to be dropped. What if there is more to this existence did I just forfeit my chance of eternal bliss? Within a woman is the power to create and nurture a new life. It is our babies first home so why reduce it’s value by allowing just any Tom, Dick or Harry to visit. I want my connection with another to light up the night sky. I know it is possible until then I will become my own ride or die. You know what I mean but it is going to be a struggle. It is almost impossible to remind us how great we are when there is so many exclaiming the opposite.

We seek validation from outside sources because that is what we are conditioned to do. You aren’t good enough till somebody else tells you and there is nothing you can do to change it. Those thoughts that take over our brain, eroding all positive thoughts and in its place we are left feeling cold and incomplete. Where’s your better half some will say like you could never possibly be good enough but what I have come to realize is that I am far better left on my own.

I look at the way people we have known our whole lives look down at us kicking rocks at us when all we really need is a hug instead. Once you show just a small sign that you are weak expect the malicious to come out and feed. There is one that I know in my broken social circle who is the epitome of a trash panda if you know what I mean. She is the first to throw stones and turns her back when she is needed there is a reason she gave me all the icky feels the first time we met. A woman should have integrity and honor and not rip of their family and friends. I get great satisfaction in knowing who she is banging because it is a true confirmation of how fall as a woman she has actually become. Not a friend, not a woman just a filthy nasty being. I wonder how much self love it would take to have her cleaned?

Now why would I care about what another chooses to do? That answer is more simple than you like to think. We have to care for others in such a way that shows compassion and we can’t care for anybody so we have to care for those that are close. I want others to be empowered to live their best lives free from the constraints that are imposed on us by everybody else. Where others see nudity I see the ultimate in self love. I love my body like a temple and I want to show it off to the world. Not in a weird or sexual way but like the Roman’s and Greek Gods used to do. It is man who is made us feel ashamed for expressing ourselves freely. It was never part of the grand ultimate design.

To spend your life filled with such self hate and afraid to reach for the stars shows you just how far from grace we have all begun to fall. My biggest fear in sharing my story is having people express their opinion that if they lived my life they would want to kill themselves and die. How am I supposed to feel when all I do is try to build up others and all it takes is just one to set the dumpster on fire and run. She wasn’t a gem by any means she just had this way about her intent on stealing other people’s dreams. Those beings just turn me. There is no way I can move past those who release their burden onto others to watch them suffer.

I want to be free from the fears and constraints that bind me that were imposed onto me by others. My life isn’t meant for others to understand or profit off of nor do I owe anybody else the obligation to be kind. Be kind because it is easier than being a pompous *ss. Be kind because it feels good to your heart and it feels better than being sad. Don’t you think there is less problems that arise when you are kind and have a pure heart? At least that is what I have come to experience. Do onto others as you would do onto you and if you can’t be nice just shuffle along and keep doing as you do.