Lighter Than Air

Yesterday was an eye opener for me. It took my breath away, literally in all the right ways. Maybe not at first but in the end and isn’t

My inability to breathe didn’t just happen. It gradually took over and eventually got worse. There is so much shame in this day and age all things considering because of the pandemic. Nobody takes you seriously.  Nobody wants to take you seriously because they no longer have an opinion of there own.

There are the facts and then there are my facts and it is ridiculous that somebody not living my life will tell me what they don’t understand. The first thing that should be talked about is trust with your Doctor and this is the first time I feel comfortable trusting one with my life. People need you to fit into their story, no they need you to conform to it. The worst person in your arsenal is the opinionated anti vaxxer. They fail to see you as the human that you are and begin to categorize you into something else. Now that they KNOW somebody who is suffering from health complication they will conform it into what they need it to be and not the health problems that are actually arising. FACTS: My breathing problems started when I received the vaccine and there is no grey matter surrounding that. Just fact!

I didn’t want to go to the Doctor. I was tired of not being able to breath. Waking up in the middle of the night in a full sweat, gripping in fear because air escapes me and I can’t get enough. Those around me told me it was the cannabis I was consuming so being lead astray I slowed down. Slowing down came with it’s own complications like me steadily declining mental health. I felt alone.

I became embarassed. I needed to smoke but my lungs were screaming no and my demons were saying we dare ya so I ended up with no choice in the end. Damned if you do and damned if you don’t I was just tired of getting teased. I think it was when my mom suggested maybe it was pneumonia or bronchitis I began to take my inability to breathe as being serious so I went in.

You think I should be that lucky. I consider it to be luck actually. Imagine a Doctor who prescribed an anti-inflammatory and sent me on my way. She listened to my concerns and got me hooked up to an EKG immediately then referred me for further testing. I mean she sent me for EVERYTHING! Even as she prepped her assistant for what was needed to be done she told her that I suffered from anxiety and depression just to keep her in the know. I felt validated in the experience, although scared, so I am doing what I deem necessary to keep my own dream alive. I am sheltering myself.

Why would I fade away long into the night? I don’t deem it as fading I am doing it because it feels right. It feels right to validate my own existence by putting the blinders on. To know that I am capable of being the love that I need, no need to devalue my worth with anybody else. Tell a world you can’t breathe and they will tell you to quit whining that it is probably something else. Those that don’t know your struggle will kill you in the end. No joke. Not even indirectly thet will make it very direct. They will make it incredibly painful not trying to understand.

Ever since I was vaccinated it became hard to breathe. I couldn’t make it up a flight of stairs exclaiming I must be out of shape. My husband would call me lazy as I would gasp and wheeze around the house. Now it all makes sense. There’s a lack of blood flow in my body and these blood clots are the blame. Well that is what the EKG test confirmed so she sent me for more tests. Next up blood and urine because all these tests take time. I hope it is something simple that blood thinners can work out. If not I guess we will know soon right?

What I learned in experiencing yesterday is I failed to honor myself. I failed to recognize the imperfections in my temple and it can result in the end of my life. It took being raw and transparent with those around me and yes that includes my Instagram lives. It took hearing from those that I respected that as human it is our natural right to breathe. That I should be able to take a full, long inhale without choking on air. What I was getting from those that are right here around me was ridicule and shame so there is value in putting yourself out there and believing you are worthy of air!! It is the basic fundamentals of life no matter what it is you believe. Just like I needed to get in tune with my own life.

When the going gets tough it is always at our own expense. During moments of heightened emotional awareness sometimes it is hard for us to do what is right. Well to do what is right for us. Nobody holds the answer to that piece. That piece is only left for us to find. We know that feeling of giving us goose bumps and making everything inside us wake up and become alive. I know how to honor my own existence so why seek outward validation over and over again. At naseauting quantities and speed. Constant moments where I seek out another’s approval never receiving it just wasting breath. Enter me. Enter into the world of self love and approval like you are the last one living on this Earth. Shed away all the insecurities that has always held onto you and begin to live your life like you have always been floating on air.

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