I have a secret and I made a promise to myself never to tell. The black hole in my heart has began to eat away, first at the love I carry for myself and then at the one who got away.
I have no answers just this cold under lining fear. I can’t stop my heart and mind from racing when memories of a past love begin to haunt me and come near. Stopped in my own tracks by my gripping paranoia and fear I fall into a puddle of my own tears where I can sit and waste away the years.
My husband never loved me and it is obvious by his nature and his ways. Who can blame a man for trying he barried his 4 year love just a few days shy of her one year anniversary. She died and was found laid out beside him. That is why I always regarded him with an open heart and mind as he set out about his ways. He still is the father of my son and that should mean something however I just hate what we all have become.
So I pull myself in because what else is one to do and I keep asking myself if I am certain that this feels right. I hate fighting so much with people. It’s not who I am. I only became evil because my demons were running a much. My low self esteem attracted all the lovers around. Those who could yell and torment me and ground me into the ground. I can’t see you are you sure you can see me. I hate the way you make me feel after all this time let me be.
This is insanity. I can’t stop my thoughts. Every one brings me closer to a lifetime that is even more absurd. I thought I knew everything to where it all began to make sense then I was sent crashing down to nothing bleeding all over the place. What gets under my skin is those I don’t know. Do I want to invest anymore time in those that can’t feel? Those that see someone with a smile on their face so they must be bad. No time to get to know somebody just over their existence so sad.
I get scared of those I don’t know because they always put on their best face. Nobody ever goes out being honest with their intentions you can see it in the way they make themselves up and put on a face. I am who I say I am every damn day. My personna doesn’t change when the wind blows or who I find myself beside in the middle of the night. I am true to myself first and this is just a new feeling I am bringing to the light.
Sure it’s hard to be the only one cheering for you in your section but that’s because there are those that truly love you that are cheering you from afar. It is almost impossible some days when all you are met with is rejection and distaste. Some days I feel forever rejected. Out of sorts and out of place. I don’t want to go knocking on anybody’s door because I am tired of feeling out of place. All those who sneer in my direction as I smile make me want to run away and hide. Except I don’t want to run away no more. I am tired. Not to mention these days I can barely breathe. Literally. Figuratively and all that jazz. In the world wide web we are a nobody in fact the majority of us are subject to filth and sleeze.
That’s why I always maintain you have to be weary of those that don’t want to invest in you. Who won’t sing your praises in life. In fact they want to destroy and demolish them. After too much destruction you begin to lose the confidence in yourself. I am awkward as f*ck in real life, I am sure I scare off more people then I attract. It’s years of being made to feel not good enough even though I know that is not the case but when you hear it over and over again it is hard not to begin to believe. Think of any sort of toxic air we breath it slowly begins to kill you. Maybe not all at once but it is only a matter of time. How deep can your own hate go if you only feed it vulgar and filth.
So I got to cheer harder like I am the only person in the room. I know that my life is valuable and I am lucky to be here and all that I need to find true happiness is somewhere deep inside me. What does it matter if somebody is looking down there nose at me? They are actually insecure and uncomfortable with who they are themselves. It is not me too scared to reach out to see what’s on the other side although I maybe a little bit extra timid. I have had my fingers bitten off before in all the chaos and I have been too ashamed to share that story so I sit in my stew alone. Too scared to have any more people frown down on me so I choose to dance alone. Alone to the beat of my own drum when nobody else is around. I don’t want anybody else to see me when I succumb to my life in this way. I am awkward and bruised and melancholy but somewhere inside I am happy. I am happy in the sense I know that I have experienced true love and I have experienced angels. Maybe it was the true love of the heavens who stopped the hate in coming for me. You see the only man I have ever loved with my absolute full heart ended up being a monster and tore families forever apart. My angels couldn’t let me live with that burden so they took my other half away. That is the only piece of the puzzle I can share with you. For now I must pray. Pray for salvation for the souls he robbed and lost. I hope forgiveness will find him. I pray he will once again be OK.