A Number’s Game

Today is the day I will have more honest answers to my physical health than I have ever had in my whole life. Can it be that all these mental complications are caused by something out of balance internally. I get excited but then I feel fear in time I shall have the answers that I seek after all.

What makes sense to one will seem ludacris to all or vice versa until the two intertwine and meet. Did you ever believe in something so bad until you share your story with somebody and all they do is try to make you insane? I try to convince myself the answers lie inside me making me angry because I can no longer tolerate the pain. Sore from the lies that others have told me I long to know the truth just some things we will never know the answers to and that is what is making things even more distant between us two.

I never claimed to have all the answers I just go with how I feel. People who truly care about you don’t try to push the insane through. Poking at all your buttons till you can take no more and run away. I used to yell in anger but you know that would never make anything do. So I became mute almost in my own compliance because who wants to live on uncertain territory and beliefs.

Don’t you think the insanities of life drive most of us insane? What is normal to one is fat and lazy to another and never shall the two opposing ideas meet. I remember what it felt to be loved and nurtured. One of my favorite memories will always be falling asleep in my moms as she held me. I was 13 at the time. Sitting with my mom as I drifted in and away (I just had surgery) there was no safer place in the world to me. Her voice is the invisible hug I need when things get bad and I am so thankful her love never had a price tag that went away. When I think of the days that have passed between us (almost 1000) I begin to long for her touch. I know the time will come when it will never again be possible. Oh how I do miss her so much.

So of course I wonder what life could possibly be like when our health fades away and we begin to decay. I miss the relationships I used to have but I wonder what they could possibly be like now. If we were meant to be friends later on in life the Universe will always find its way. I don’t want to linger too long on all the possibilities and why. Why would my heart feel so close to another and then the next 10 years would continue to rip them away. Every time my health begins to go I think of my younger days and smile. I am lucky enough not to know a greater intimacy because it is in the simple feelings that drive me insane.

My fear is that forgetting about me was easy and that is my fate when it comes to people getting their way. I am always disposable or collateral damage it’s rare that anybody wants to keep me around. My husband always says he will keep everything all he requires of me is to leave and walk away. It is hard to find any worth in what you are doing. My dreams. My hope. My life. My well being shattering to the floor around me I begin to fray around the edges and hate who I have become. At times I want to run away but where would I go? Sometimes it feels like life has no purpose and it is in those days that I feel worse. Of course right? Those days where your brain and heart live in a contradictory state that brings you to the brink of becoming all that you can be. I know that resistance. I have been exposed to that life. Ask yourself what happens to you at the end of it all when you bleed all your connections dry? The only people who care for you are those you keep close and if you ask me about them they are more evil than most. Love is love and it’s conditional we shouldn’t want to mislead or push it away.

I want to be with someone who isn’t always pushing me away. Hold on! Shut up! Just wait! Or my least favorite ZIP IT with the hand movement to boot. Doesn’t mutual respect mean anything anymore or is there too many of us to hold us accountable. To me love and respect is everything in this world and when one is missing nobody in the general vicinity will ever be heard. Isn’t that what deteriorates first? Respect? In the absence of that where does one go? How does one feel? Where do we go from here when we can no longer see the light. You don’t owe anybody anything but a little bit of civility listen to the words that aren’t being said so you can finally hear the truth. When love isn’t reciprocated and you fail to see eye to eye than a divide will keep distancing you and chances are you will never be what you once were.

I try to put things into perspective but into perspective for what? We have all been lead astray into the unknown robbing Peter to pay Paul. We tell those who we think will get us further ahead a different lie then we tell the beggars and the poor. Anterior motives bloom in plentiful enough to spill over into any room. Why have a friend when you can keep a foe? At least you know the intentions of the later and the other is just a numbers game of what for?

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