Practice, Practice, Practice. Do what you love and let it kill you. Because sooner or later something always does.
I remember EXACTLY what I was wearing on my death day my favourite bright pink cat meow night shirt. They had to cut it in half to get it off of me to hook me up to all the life saving equipment to try and save me and my son. Nobody knew what was happening. Although the doctors had their suspicions. A young girl of 28 succumbed to her blood pressure only a week before in this same hospital. You see all the emergencies get rushed to the Foothills. They claim here if you can be saved there are the means and the skills to ensure success. Unless of course a misdiagnosis and an uncaring nature is what is causing these high risk pregnancies to end up this way. I always wondered but never asked. I wondered if we had the same Ob/gyn because mine was more than wishy washy. Watching her and her bliased attitude confirmed what was already forthcoming. Some health practioners cared more about the dollar than you and you can catch it in their demenour.
Practice what? HA!! Don’t you know you are middle aged. As washed up as an old boot on the sea shore yet you keep dusting yourself off hoping for a glittery pink barbie stiletto and maybe just maybe a little bit more. I got it stuck in my head that ONE person is capable of changing THE world and I know that statement to be true because it only takes one person to get me off too. Please forgive me in saying and being so crude.
So every day I take the center stage of my life and play to the vibe that is screaming to come alive in my head. I hurt some days too but I don’t let those days win. Well it might take a minute to gain control of myself but I try to be vulnerable in those moments too. Too feel the greatest of energies and emotions all at once because you dared to believe in that center of your being. Za za was a character and she was larger than life. Why haven’t I read her autobiography NB (note to benny) her it ordered online via the Public Library and I NEED to BUY the Book of Awakening as a daily inspiration guide. Oh I miss reading I need to dedicate a little more time. 15 min the morning with my first cup of Joe, then blog, set up my side biz gig.
Focus on the moments that take your breath away and not those intense moments that all you can do is focus on the suck. There are those in life waiting to suck all they can out of you and there are the others that simply don’t give a f*ck. Those people drive me nuts but once you are committed they take you away so once again you are always damned if you do but at least they make it so you are hugging yourself in the end as a reminder of who should have been your best friend.
So what if you are? Not in an obnoxious way or a way that takes the shine away from somebody else. I like to think of myself as the highlight in your cheekbone or that high arch in brow but never do I ever want to be the reason why you lose the shine in your eye. Very long ago to my sister’s best friend because I was jealous of how close they were for all the wrong reasons. I was made because they had each other to confide in but I did that to myself. I closed myself off a long time ago. Every day is still a struggle but I like to say I try. I try to live my life differently and acknowledge that I am awkward as f*ck and it’s time to dip my toe in tepid, shallow waters again before I lose the confidence to swim. They will take that away one day too as we all aspire too wither away. A sign of a life well wasted again if you don’t breathe in and try. You never know how far you can go and who will be there if you drawn. You miss ALL the shots you refuse to take in life you will never know the feeling of what is possible. Or how great it can feel when you win.
It’s an aggravating feeling because what you perceive to be self confidence others see as being insecure. A desperate attempt at you staying relevant in a world hell bound and determined to be obscure. So live your life. No time for haters. Dare to breathe the air that others believe to be out of their league. Why not? Doesn’t it have to happen to somebody eventually. Somebody that you know. Let it be you is all that I am trying to say. Sure why not. So I do in a way because I feel obligated too because you all remember a second chance and that in itself is pretty intense. All things considering if you know what I mean. That is why those who have brushed close to the other side don’t care too much what others think but just like vinegar applied to open wounds the sting eventually begins to go away. And then you begin to become numb from the experience because it happens so much so you shine as bright as you can for as long as you can in the hopes you can do it all in the time you have left.