Life Obnoxiously Intertwined

This guy is so obnoxious, so oblivious that he really has no clue. He comes unglued on me on the regular calling me a c*nt and other vile words a woman should never here. The worst of it I am is wife. I gave up on that dream long ago but now I rise to fight for my son and the right he had to feel loved and not confused.

Is sitting in bed napping till 2 while he watches TV truly spending quality time with your son? No wonder he kicks and screams when asked to get up everything inside him is getting so confused. Everyday I fall apart as I listen to him and his filth. I sit here and wonder why a man would treat his woman this way. I know the answer, he wouldn’t. Everything inside me screams with rage.

From the moment I get up his dog that he wanted so badly barks. Chirps at everything that moves all day. The sound of his bark getting on my last nerves and taking with it my last heart strings. I feel sick to my stomach as I try to create joy in my life and my narcissistic husband does everything in his power to suck my happiness away. At first I thought I was delusional but then I remained calm and it was in the peak of my mute mania that my answers that I needed became so clear.

When somebody takes the joy in your life and so eagerly begins to crumble between your fingers…RUN!! I can’t run too fast there are still things that need to be settled here. So many lives. So much fur and feathers that depend on the happiness that lives within these 4 walls how could I be so selfish to only think of just mine. So I look for different ways to live my life in somewhat silence waiting for the day that I would one day have my say. Say at what happiness could really look like if only we had a little faith and common sense to always strive for a better day. But I am stuck frozen by my own ability to move and admit to myself how much he hates me and the names he chooses to call me or the insecurities he chooses to constantly expose me to.

When nobody hears you why do you still scream? It’s to let the demons escape from my chest. They sit there squeezing out every last breath and only sometimes do they let me feel alive. The constant tug and pull of what happiness could be and constant paranoia and mania I can’t think of anything else. What separates the weak from the great minds is the view that they keep about what lies just outside that dark tunnel. Without him I don’t have this life but there is only so much negativity one can here. I am stupid, crazy and annoying. How am I supposed to feel after that about anything else?

Beat it! Get out of here!! You piss me off! So I cower with my son as we sit alone in the dark. I try so hard and fail every time. I crumble to nothing and I can no longer stop these tears I cry. Why does he hate me? Everything I do I fail as my anxiety takes over me. I want to be successful in life so I can help people but who I really need to help is myself. I try and put myself out there as he kicks me to the ground. “How many pictures did you takes? Lives? And how many reels did you post. I am shamed into a life where I do nothing but clean in a house he has no problems reminding me his grandparents built.

I feel sick. Naseauted but most of all I feel is betrayed. Every time I feel a little bit of happiness or success he feels threatened and becomes incredibly mean and a little bit unglued. I try to understand how you could want somebody who stirs so much anger in you even around. The idea he uses my weaknesses to break me like he is the final say on whether or not I feel joy. I know I am hated. I feel the loathing at this point. Dripping with horrible distaste and extreme displeasure he will say anything to just aggravate me.

These words, this hurt, cuts me in a way I can’t explain and I have been abused a lot. I think where this time is different is its every damn day. It starts with let’s not fight at all then he says something extremely underhanded and cutting. Until he comes around I feel on top of the world till he says something and I hit the ground. He never wants to protect me just hurt me and I wish I saw it coming before all this. This life, this existence just breaks my heart. I really do wish I saw this coming and now that I am here I am falling incredibly apart.

I am very aware that my emotional state might make it a wee bit difficult for anybody to get along with me but how is that supposed to make me feel? In my most vulnerable state the blows have hit their target and have made fissure like cracks in my foundation. You know the straw that broke the camel’s back weighed as light as a feather but the impact it made on it’s mark was clear devastation. That is all it takes. Just the wrong moment in time and anyway one of us can easily break. Who am I to judge the failures of our mental mind. You know what I mean. Not one of us is perfect. If we were why would we new the physical limitations to bind us when we can already release ourselves from the ties that bind.

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