The idea that I have to deflate my own existence in order for another to feel vindicated is almost getting to much to stand. What once I thought was my own ignorance or maybe even my own inability to change I have come to realize that maybe not everything is as it seems. I hate being hated for the aura that is me but in hindsight it is the only thing that makes sense.
Imagine being disciplined day in and day out like you are nothing more than a wayward child. The existence I have come to know as my own makes me want to run and cower in the shadows. In 5 years of being married to somebody he has reduced me in ways that the eye could never see. Your stupid! Only an idiot thinks like that! Have you always been this annoying? I don’t want to get excited about anything in life anymore like a hungry carrot he sits and dangles a carrot in front of my nose just far enough that it remains out of reach.
I hate being hated it makes me feel tired and so annoyed and I can’t imagine a more worse feeling than this state I live in. Constant fear and stress that I will do the wrong thing. Set off a nerve and anger him amongst other things. Imagine a world where you are always in the wrong it gets super aggravating just waiting for the boom to drop again. And it does. My son does not sleep at all anymore which leads to even more fighting for each one of us. My husband is back at work so if I don’t stay awake with him all hell begins to break loose. The fact that my 4 year old is treating me as bad as his Dad is, is not lost on me.
I live in a world where it feels like somebody else is always standing on my chest and just for once in my life I want to exist in a world where it isn’t impossible to breathe. Did you ever try so hard that others just rip you apart. Looking for any sort of break in the surface so they can rip you limb from limb. My husband is a predator looking for any which way to defeat me to say I am a little more than exhausted is selling my feelings short. Bad things happen to good people and the bad seemingly get off on our demise. To walk amongst a sea of friends instead of foes is an existence I will always strive towards.
My being is tired as sleep escapes me once again. There are those that have been sent to betray and I am growing hesitant to even peek out my head. Why do those who engage in bad things insist on an eye for an eye? They would rather go out in what they perceive as proverbial glory instead of being truthful to what is going on in there head. I am tired, so tired and my insides are wretched over in knots. How does one even being to fill themselves with purpose when all they see is a sea of dread.
The foreshadow into my future reduces me to tears. My son is as my husband now as he spits and puffs his chest. I cry more now as I am scared of who he will become. Is my name stupid or idiot now because that is the name I always here. In a land where I wake every day to try my best I usually come crashing before my feet hit the ground. Before the sun crests over the horizon to warm a new day I am being cast away as a loser and I am ashamed of myself in every possible way. I try because if I don’t I know I will have nothing left. I cry because it is the only emotion I have left. They took everything they could from me as they tried to return me to the dirt. I am tired, so tired was this the reason why I was born. To be hated and void of positive interaction. I struggle wondering what this could all be possibly for.
I smile because I want to remember what it felt like to be happy. I close my eyes and dream of a life where I would be accepted in my own image instead of always cowering away to hide. Why don’t you like me? All I wanted was to like you. I wanted to be friends who supported each other and cheered but all you have ever done was pointed your finger at me and gave me shame. I am hated because in a world where nobody likes me I tried to love myself. I became my biggest cheerleader because I never had anybody else.
When you are on the outside looking in you learn to avoid the big crowds. You were never meant to fit in anyways. The world needs somebody who is confident enough to stick out. Maybe it is stupidity that makes us want to break out from that mold. I could live a life mundane like you or I can move along becoming ok with being alone. No words need to be said because I heard them all. I still alone in the dark too nervous for that call. Too scared of all the things that can go wrong in a world that is never right. I still get shamed for all the air I can’t breath and I am entirely unsure what I ever did to deserve all this. Am I hated or just confused? How would I ever know? I know that he has never said anything nice to me and we have been married 5 years. He says I am a terrible mother and an even worse wife. There are no words he hasn’t spewed at me. Like butter being cut with a warm knife he knows just what to say to cut me in half. He’s not a partner, a man or even somebody I would call a friend. He is content on making it so I fail he has never wanted it to have a happy ending.