The weight and pressure of life caught up to me today and it totally kept me off track. In my meaningless life of nothingness I rarely let the bad feelings win, but today they did.
Every negative thought I ever had swarmed around me and took me for a ride. I am fat. I am a loser. Nobody loves me. I just may never find happiness again. Everything I do is wrong or feels wrong and it sucks even more now because I can barely breathe. I gasp for all the air that I can fit in and in the end has me feeling like a fool. I can’t even breathe right. I haven’t for awhile. Sometimes I want to close my eyes and never open them but then I get too scared. What if there is nowhere to go after all this and this is the only chance we got. A chance to accumulate all these things we can’t take with us, how on Earth does this ever make sense.
Now is it just me but in hearing of Betty White’s passing I feel like my Gradmother has just passed. To hear her last words made with such determined optimism it’s a shame she didn’t make it to her 100th birthday. Reading through her accomplished life as Golden Girl quips run through my head I feel sad. Why can’t we know when death is coming and why is it so sad when I life has come and gone. It was only a matter of time before all those I remembered watching as I was younger began to pass on. The stress of a life left unfilled keeps wafting in my brain.
This makes my head pound as it just truly makes no sense. What becomes of the broken hearted when there is nothing actually left. Time is ticking and there is no going back so I do what I think is best for my physche but the reality is I am tapped. Every which way I feel cornered. I don’t want to breathe. I don’t want to move. I consider the pills in my cabinet still. All it would take is one or two for my heart to explode but I can’t. I am too scared. Does that make me a coward? I am not sure. I am tired though that I know but I believe I still enjoy the simplicity of life when it isn’t always taken out of context.
Maybe that is my biggest mistake. Putting too much pressure on the things I can’t control and I need to give myself a little break. I am so wound up. I think that is the curse of death. I put far too much pressure on myself. I know the value of time and every second that we waste and it’s enough to make me go insane. My thoughts drift to where do we go when we die and how life goes on for those who don’t. Everything we cared about and treasured for so many years has now become out of touch. I guess that is what we have to be careful for and why munks all tell us to not get attached. We can’t move on to where we need to be if there is always something connecting us back.
The daily reaffirming dose that I am where I need to be comes from a simple reminder from my roots. The similarities that are engrained and passed down falls short of setting my soul ablaze. Everybody needs a reminder of who they once were and how it is they have come to be no matter how far they have fallen off the beaten track. I may not be able to forgive those that have stabbed me in the back but I can move on and that in essence will become my salvation.
Consider where you may go after this is all said and done and the only truth is you will end up all alone. That is what brings us here to live this story. Just a fleeting chance of cells crossing paths and bringing one to life. It is the same chance that comes to greet you and take you away at night. We have to build on all the essence of ourselves that we can not see. The anger and fear and loneliness we exude should not keep on following us when we exit the room. To be in control of our emotions and to keep a level head is one of the hardest weights we will carry and will at times feel impossible to bare.
Then there is the hypocrites who thinks there time on earth is a blessing to all. You know them. Time spent in their presence is used to feed their ego and over inflate their head. They don’t care for their surroundings at all and the idea of reducing their carbon footprint makes them want to set the night sky ablaze just to see the sky fill with smoke. Who does that? Just an ignoramus content on themselves and in my minds there is no bigger disease or disappointment to oneself. The things they do at the expense at another will always hurt my heart. Imagine willingly breaking the heart of another’s to make you feel full. This is the part that makes it hard to live in the world seeing all the broken hearts that time so willingly makes. Nothing stops the pain from taking one over when you don’t believe there could possibly be any other way. Unanswered cries from the beings that gather around you who only surface to witness your heart break and leave. Those beings I will strive to keep away from me no matter how hard the isolation becomes or how much my heart bleeds. I know my truth and the kindness of my heart so I have to stop diluting my own self worth.