As I sit here in the cold trying to decide what to do all I can think about is how I wish this could end. I am so tired to hear the words of a man who promised to love me tell me I am not good enough to be the mom of my sweet Schmoo. He purposely sticks a knife in my chest then twists it till I can’t breathe. I need to get out of here but I have become too scared to leave so I sit in the cold all alone.
I am tired of feeling like this. I am nothing but a shell. Why did the Universe throw this at me and what am I supposed to do with it. His words he uses to cut me so deep but the words are true. I exposed to him all of my weaknesses and he uses them against me whenever he gets the chance. That is not love. It’s demonic behavior and as I sit here all alone I wonder what is next in my life or do I go back. Back to an existence I don’t even know just to stop the pain in my heart from winning.
Being hated is the worst type of existence. You look for acceptance all around you but it never comes. Cast aside for being different I am tired of walking this life alone. How did I fall so hard and believe somebody who was incapable of love? Why does he do the things he does it likes he gets off every time he is mean and it makes me leave the room. My soul is tired from the lack of human connection as I try to gather up the strength for me to one last time rest my head.
Then I read a meme that simply said, “You haven’t even met all the people who are going to love you,” and that makes my heart hurt so much I can’t even control. If I go home it’s to be yelled at and made to be a fool and if I press forward with going to the shelter than I start another life all alone. When I think of the pain of leaving this life my breath chokes and I begin to cry. I am tired. So tired. Why is he so mean?
Everything I ever sacrificed in life for now is for nothing. I don’t even know who I am anymore when I close my eyes because that man has me feeling such a fool. All I know is I would rather sit alone with nothing than to listen to anything he has to say. I get ridiculed and shamed for eating now how is this the life to want and break bread. How can I forgive somebody who will never ever change. I feel how much he hates me. It’s all I can feel when he walks into the room. My skin crawls and I want to run away. I know I will never be good enough, it is those words he always uses and says. My parents hate me and so do my sisters. Nobody calls to say all the best in the New Year. They didn’t even bother with a Merry Christmas. Who would notice if I left this world today? Probably not many. Do I have the courage to do what is needed or am I simply a no good coward again in that way?
I enjoy life but more so I love life when I had nobody to worry about and I was living my life all alone. Nobody else to worry about like before. Not even my sweet Lucille is here to ground me and I still can’t believe she left this world. With her by my side I could do anything because she was mine. My son has become this big noose hanging over my head. I am so tired of him being used against me like he is only a pawn. What kills the human in me is watching the damage we are doing to my little bean and all the responsibility that falls back onto me. The non stop daily barage of all the things that I do wrong has shattered my soul. It makes me feel less than human. It makes me feel so unworthy of having a life that it all comes together and makes sense why I can’t breathe. I am tired of being looked at with such disgust. He looks like he wishes I would drop dead suddenly so I did what I had to and I just left, but now what? I don’t think I have it in me to start all over again. Everything that I am and all the hate that has found its way to me has sat on my chest and suffocated me and made it so I can not breathe.
What do I do and where do I go when nobody on the world cares to hear my name. All I ever did was live my life honestly and authentically now I am sitting in a chilled parked car trying to end my life. I am so weak and scared cuz I don’t want to let go but everything I had in this life has now left my grasp and is crazy out of control. I know what hate feels like because I have lived in a house filled only with that air. Do I leave? Do I stay? Do I wait inside this parked car in the hopes that the choice is taken away from me and maybe just maybe I will freeze. I know what hate feels like because I have felt it everyday. It’s the look of disgust that he always sees me with that makes me want to wish this life away. I am not strong after all. I am only just a coward. Too scared to ease my heart of this pain and the rest of the world from my burden.