To Grow And Learn

“I’d like to be, under the sea, in an octopuses garden, in the shade” or as I like to think of it, live in a world that doesn’t hurt my brain. To stop taking life too seriously because in the end nothing truly matters just this time and place and this moment and if you ain’t giving it all what are you even waiting for?

I am moody. Maybe even a hint of bi-polar but aren’t we all when pushed and stretched beyond a normal beings realm of anonymity. I am right before a time when the internet was always underneath our finger tips. I grew up passing notes of do you like so and so check yes or no and when chaperones actually cared about how close you danced. Sex and drugs weren’t running rampant amongst or youth and in some form we still had our identity. This isn’t to shame any being at all  in fact I think there was damage being done in that era with such rigid conformity. I can’t go back and unfeel what I feel about the way things are now I just miss the peace of the way things used to be.

So to somewhat live alone shaded by the jaded opinion of those who wish to inflict harm on me I can’t help but smile. I know who I am and who I chose to surround myself with there is an incredible peace and calm that comes from living in this chaos. There is a great satisfaction in knowing that at the end of the day all animals come to rest and close their eyes here with me. They could chose to rest anywhere freely in this house but they are at peace sleeping beside me. Inner bliss.

Would it be so bad if I lived in the realm of my own imagination and possibility. I guess what would be so bad is my failure to conform and we all know just where conformity just got me. On the outside forever looking in. Depending on the version of the tale you believe and if it ain’t lost on wanting somebody it is your inner truth you find that will some day set you free.

I am not for everyone. Thus I know with every fibre of my being. I miss being touched and loved by another but I can’t forever let my guard down to appease another’s ego. It’s not that I am lustful or spiteful or even resistant to any true change. It’s just that I tred carefully into the tepid waters of eternity because it is when thoughts get put into action  that we may never find our way back. So I wait. Patiently but still growing. Forever expanding my horizons there is no telling just how far my dreams will take me or just how far I can go so I wake up and try. I have to do something with my life because there is always that chance that I may die. You too but I digress. No sense on continuous babbling so let’s get on writing this dang thing am I write? Lol no puns intended but if you don’t try to get something out of life will you one day look back and feel sick? That feeling of regret. Now you must know what I mean. I don’t want to think of I wonder if I just tried that one last time? I truly don’t want to regret a thing.

What about the memories we have of the way things used to be? The ones when we were younger on the playground taking turns on the teeter totters and swings. I mean all my childhood friends meet me there. Even the ones who moved on. When I smile that deep inward beam there is always something to my energy that always hints of them. I love them still for just knowing the happiness to my heart their love did bring. My angels in life only coming to me in their death. How can I not try hard as I might to honor them in any last way that I can. Some get it. Some don’t. But it isn’t for them to say. It is for the moments that I want to truly live and let my heart and essence finally have its say.

Dare to dream. Dare to be. That is why I cut so many off because there was something always just a little bit off with the things thatthey say. Not even just their words but stale clumping milk but not the kind to make something heavenly something stale, rank and fierce. Pulloting others auras with their this, thats and what could of be’s its no wonder they had me one day heading for the hills. The strength it takes some days has time keeps on there is no exception to the rules just grin and bare it. Bare it all for the world to see because you can’t take it with you and the longer it take you to unlearn all the filth you have been taught the less time that it is that you have to be free.

Did you ever wish the Universe would get on with it but nah not really. Too scared of actually knowing what a real eternity could mean. I mean I am scared of thinking too far into the future but I am more than curious though. There is a calm that is in the center of my life right now. So many beings. So many little souls. And what about the concept of souls in every being. Could that be possible? Is it about the finite love we share that brings us all together when we are in the air far up there? That is my hope anyways. That all the love gets one day returned. What would be the point if there wasn’t a reason to grow and one day learn?

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