I am shy beyond words. Crippling shy. I think my anger comes when my inability to communicate in an effective manner interferes with my inability to speak. You wouldn’t think at 42 I could still be this way BUT trust me I am so awkward beyond belief.

Do I dress a certain way for attention or do I dress this way as it is all the things I am trying to say. Am I weird or just genuine? Who knows. I know I don’t fit in that is obvious. How do I escape this feeling of feeling this way? I LOVE being a lady. I ADORE being a lady and every day I am judged for being who I love.

Should there be shame in wanting to carry yourself a certain way? Over the years so many have tried. I get fully dressed everyday and clean as much as I can. I play in the dirt and care for all my animals and feel like a character off of the Sound of Music. The hills come alive every time my feet hit the floor unless of course I am made to journey out my front door.

Weird isn’t it? I may be shy as hell but I was born to stand out. I would rather burn across the night sky then seemingly fizzle out. How would I explain myself? I am simply the middle sister. Lost in the middle of siblings who stood out. My first sister has the ability to say what she is and my youngest is motivated  beyond so where does that leave me. Factor in my need to be domineered and controlled what hope in hell did I have? It was easiest that way. Losing my voice instead of having to find the words was way easier for me. Do you know? Have you been there? Too scared to use your words but more than desperate to be heard. Some people want to listen but can they be trusted? What are the intentions of those that don’t know you and are they honorable and pure?

How does one lose that nervous apprehension that comes with being alive?  There are so many things that can wrong but can you still appreciate life? Can you look inside the soul of another being and appreciate them for all that they seem. To be embraced for all that you are without fear of losing that feeling. To awake everyday with the feeling of worth with no fear of what lays in front of you. Could you imagine? A world of finally being accepted for all that you are without fear of what others may say. I hear the insecure whispers from the lips of our children and I am scared for what our futures all have in store.

Where is the accountability that comes when it comes to allowing others to live their most peaceful lives? Shouldn’t we all have the same start or at least an opportunity of one and not this suppressed culture that society provides? But we don’t. How dare we. How dare we question these answers that the higher up provides to us. But then ask yourself who truly benefits from all these lies? Do I? Do you? Does a government who does nothing to help out its people and continue to drive us back into dust to the ground? Ask yourself who really benefits from all this drama the last two years? It started with race wars, a virus and attack on a parliament and now we have uptight and crazies posted and ready for a 3rd war? The obvious had been, stated our government and Catholic religion are the biggest serial abusers of all time. No accountability. No move to reconciliation or remorse. You know what happens to an inmate when they don’t accept accountability for their crime….NOTHING! You are denied parole over and over again until you accept your fate.

As the leader of a country you should show love for ALL your countries children no matter the time of their story or how is it they came to die. Love them, accept them, honor them because they one here as their countries father now that you are empowered with this knowledge it is up to you to make things right. Why is that so hard? Like an impossible thing? If I was a countries leader I would take what was necessary to survive and use all that was leftover to make things right. To help bring to light the life’s that were because they were and still are worthy of being bathed in love with light. Imagine the pain and terror in their dying moments now take their hands and lift them and tell them they will be alright. Bring their spirit into their heart and help lift them home. We are human. We all can help heal. We don’t need to be led into oblivion by those who can’t feel.

How can I hope to heal anybody because I am far too shy. I am not that bubbly or confident I just know I have to keep putting myself out there like it’s going to get easier or something. I guess at times it does. Or maybe I just learn to live through the fear. You can’t win for trying if you are afraid to enter the room. I am terrified each and every time. Traveling alone still gets to me truth be told I fear I may die. Away from my family I do prefer to stay close. It is the animals in my presence that makes life experience everywhere else is too peoply out and makes me far too nervous. But I still try. I always will and I always do. Sure some days are more defeating than others but it is up to me to own my being and it’s entirety no matter who believes in me or not. If I think I can at the end of it all isn’t that the only thing that should matter?