Our decision with what to do with each day quickly overwhelms us as soon as we open our eyes. The expectations brought onto us by people we don’t even know heighten our insecurities and fears that we will never be all that we can be.

There used to be a time when  time with was valued. At a minimum we had daily dinners and weekly visit with the in-laws. We wanted to be around each other and be a part of each other’s day. I miss that feeling of being together. It is what I struggle with most and wish that as a family we had all found another way.

I remember at 16 have the cannabis talk with my Dad as he sat down beside me on my bed. He told me if smoking weed was ever legal he would be the first person to partake with me. That lays heavy on my heart. Not having my Dad in my life. He still walks this Earth without me he just wants nothing to do with me. I used to take it personal like it must have been something about me. The truth is he has nothing to do with his blood family. Not his own brothers, sisters or even his other two daughters. He hates us all. Kinda weird ain’t it?

In the beginning it was a heavy weight to have to carry. Two decades without the man who raised me but there are others who have had it way worse than me. Ya sure it hurts. But it can always hurt me. You never know how much pain you can withstand until something more painful comes along. Something always does no matter how hard it is you tree to flee. Doesn’t it? Think about it?  No matter how hard it is you try to adapt something more unusual always makes it way along.

There is truth in saying we do have to make our way in this world all alone we have no idea where we go or what comes after this. The best we have is right now and most of us fear the unknown. We cry about death even though it is always hear for us. The tragedy in death is in the manner in which one departs. Does one suffer immensely or do they just peacefully drift along?

Hello life and death and all things between is there a reason why the Universe is so vast? Why do we spend so much time focusing on the things we can’t control? Is there a reason for all this and will it one day make sense? Why are people so mean and seemingly out of control?

Some people just wish to live a life that makes sense. No pain. No emotion. Just a life. Why others need to distort this reality and force it to be another way will never make sense to me. What others can do to others and excuse it away and make it justified will rattle me always to my core. You know what I mean. And the things that we worship and glorify. We are OK with all the smoke and mirrors that prevent us from what we can see. Does this life and all its entirety make sense to you? Think about it and the life’s we used to live before.

Growing up my family, and most others, worked a 9 to 5. The significance of this is important just you wait and see. My point is after 5 was always for families. Me and my dad would play ball in the yard and my mom would cook the family dinner. We would usually sit at the table, well until cable got good and the TV came into play. Life was different then. Yes money was important BUT family was always more important, well until we all began to age. Then people change. Life changes and we are all forced to ante up.

Life takes you for a ride and it challenges the purest of intentions. We all start out hoping that we will become all that we can be don’t we? What child thinks I want to grow up to be a drunk, unemployed loser or live forever alone when I am older or be laughed at and shunned until you go away. We never imagine a life of isolation until we get there then the woes set in and the oh what happened to me? When children get lost in their adult form there is no greater sin. They forget about what it means to be human and what it takes to make their heart sing. It used to come in the appreciation in other living beings or a minor obsession with fossils and rocks. What we kill as we age is our natural curiosity to explore and uncover the feelings that come to us and are awaken when you succumb to what it means to be alive.

We talk about magic like it can be so easily found but it is forever lost. We numb ourselves to the experience of being human when we fail to control our emotions when they come alive. Our bodies we can’t take but what about our inner self? What if we keep our character that we have built and leave behind all the fame, toys and money? Not if. When we leave it all behind what is the only thing we have left? We don’t know. How could we. We have become so numb. Without knowing where’s your focus and are you wasting away all your energy we become stagnant. Not able to realize our own potential we become too scared. So the task that lies in front of us becomes too much. That is why I try to be simple and move through the day to day. Most days. Some days. The days that aren’t too much that is.