I know I deserve so much better than this man who talks down to me but I am at a loss how to get away from him without so much damage or internal rage. All I hear non stop is I am a retard and good for nothing. Talking to him is worse than talking to my best enemy because he will stop at nothing to rip my heart at and watch me bleed. No real man could speak to someone they love like he speaks to me. He uses my son as ammunition how I wish I would have run the other way. All the lies he tells himself and others just drives me insane. I want to run away from here some one save me before the night runs through.

All he does is hide away and count the hours he spends with our son to use against me in his sick twisted games. I am alone in this home of terror ain’t no one to comfort me or take away my pain. My husband wants to use everything in his power to hurt me and it’s come to the point where I never want to talk to anybody again. Imagine hearing over and over again  how terrible of a mother you are and ask yourself if you could look into the one who always insulted you. Imagine having to sleep beside a man who for the last 5 years has tried to take away your soul. Your a slut, your a retard, your stupid, your dumb please just shut your mouth and let me run.

So I have no choice because who would want to start another year off like this. Living in a house that hates you being forced to live a life you hate. For 3 years I have been shut off from  those who care about me being made out to believe they don’t. I have grown scared of my own shadow in life and I hate this man for taking my confidence and everything else that he can. Everyday a tiptoe and try to fly under his radar of rage. I hate that he has made me so insignificant in life and I hate all the things he takes away from me. My son comes home smelling like a pack of cigarettes like I am too dumb to know that his parents and sister smoke in the house when he is there and that his dad even smokes in the car but somehow I am the *sshole and troll.

I hate this man for taking all of me and making it impossible for me to leave. I hate that he uses that my Dad hates me like I should feel shame for something my Dad has chosen. I can’t imagine my life partner would rather rip me from limbs and feed on my guts all because he can’t hide in the basement and  be on his Instagram lives and smoke his drugs. What I know for sure is I need out of here and I am scared to know what that means. I know this isn’t my future. Who can stay where they are hated and is stuck hearing all these nasty *ss things. Even if I wanted to love my husband again I can never forget all the things he has said.

This is how it had always been and in the end I guess even my Dad was an *ss. A real man in love with a woman would never say the things that these two have. I hope I can stay silent because saying anything hurts too much. I hate all the Universe keeps taking from me and it’s growing impossible to have a nice day. A husband who hates me just for being alive and entering a room. My smile annoys him, my laugh even more why did I think I could do this and try to even the score. I tried to make it work with others but life gets predictable and they got annoying so I kept to myself as I will now.  I never thought life was going to be like this but I guess who does think there life is going to go a certain way because when it does it doesn’t.

When I wake tomorrow a part of me wishes for a different life. A life free of being another’s proverbial punching bag and a life where I am worthy of being loved and other warm fuzzy human feelings of reciprocation. After you have been void of even the simplest of human emotions your body begins to shut down. You forget what it even means to be human anyways and you become easily angered and full of fear. The lies that have been handed down to you through the years tarnish what makes you human and desecrated on your ancestors grave. Not many know what it feels like to be alive because we have become too numb by other people’s insecurities and fears. Not much gets to me anymore because too much already has. Listening to the same fears over and over again and having them used against me when another person gets bored or annoyed.

So what do I do know when everything feels out of control and a little bit wayward and most certainly not very good? My husband only keeps me around because he is greedy and not because I am a good woman or anything like that. I try to be. I tried. I don’t know anymore. You hear something long enough and you get confused. I am confused and feel like I am living in another person’s dream. With a new year fast approaching it is hard to get my wits about me and know what  is right. If I listen to all the things my husband says about me I will always be hated and never be liked.