I am just a girl trying to fall back in love with life after my heart has been broken and I forgot how to play. Crying to me is an emotion of comfort that begs me to try and find a way. The quiet cries that escape from my lips helps make room for the air I hope is fresh and scares away strangers. Especially the mean ones. Those are the ones content on making it so I can’t breathe.
Ever ask a question than immediately regret it? The inquisitive mind is always the sell out because it is always desiring to keep you in the know. To try and understand where others are coming from while trying not to annoy is a hidden talent that I have yet to master. Ever experience those you have met in life speak to how annoying you are and try to keep your head held under long enough that you forget how to be. Conform to the ideologies that have been set all around you and slump over quietly till we tell you it’s time to leave.
I would rather live a life alone than hold onto this idea of pretentious success. Relying on others to make my life easier pushes me to a place where I no longer desire to care. Hateful beings they appear to be always with their silver serpent tongue. Everyday I rally against the odds that have been meticulously trying to defeat me and for just one second I think woe this is me. What choice do I have to conform and play by the rules that were put in place for 1 percent of the world and wouldn’t you know it it isn’t me. I am not ashamed of my story or even the words that I say. Sure some things are said with no filter and come with no warning and I apologize but what can I say. I grew up in the 90s were NO FEAR was the nature of the game. You know the blood, sweat and tears.
Growing up was easy then it became far too hard. Now everybody is so easily offended that we bite our tongues and the words we want to say. We get sick with nervous apprehension always looking over our backs. I am sick of always running and hiding one day I would like the courage to face the world. This all makes sense if you think about the light. The light becomes so enamouring that you forget your time and place in this world. When you lose site of the finite goal you allow for a pinch uneasiness to ring in. You know. When you begin to finally feel comfortable in your surroundings that is when the rug will be pulled from right out of you. I don’t know why it happens it just seems to be that way. Once you get a taste for what is coming it leaves you always wanting more.
I usually speak up when it isn’t my turn and use my voice when I should’ve shut up. I don’t know why I do the things that I do. Some say it’s time for me to grow up. What does that mean and grow into who? I feel so mislead by this moment in time that I am at a loss of what words to say. But I try. I keep on trying because I remember the time when I could not breathe. When the choice was taken away from me and I wasn’t sure if I would live another day. When I did live this powerful energy took over me and it stripped away the usual way that I had become accustomed to see. I saw every body as a fragile being that if handled incorrectly would smash and fall to pieces and eventually slip away. People are cruel when they want to be and even when they don’t want to be they just are. Damned if you do and if you don’t who cares anyways.
I never met an honest person I didn’t like bit when was the last time I came across somebody who was authentically honest? Everybody has their share of dirty secrets or white lies they like to tell. Like the lies we tell ourselves or how we like to beat up our brains. The biggest disease is our negative self talk over and over again. I am right there too. Stuck in a loop wondering if these demons will ever go away. And if they did stay is that really so bad? There must be a lesson or a story to tell from it all. The good and the bad. The strong carries the weak. There will be times when you return the favor and other times drowning with emotions beyond repair. Good people withstand the hands of time. They see the good in everything that others do unlike the sordid one sided tales coming from you. I am just joking. Not actually. Maybe I am. I don’t know. Memories are haunting some reactions just the same. Should I be ashamed for all the things that make me human and be too scared to share my name.
I feel sorry for myself but I have nothing to be sorry for. Those who are unable to understand will fall away by the wayside for ever more. Words cut actions too. You never know how deep one cuts until all of a sudden you do. It’s too late to apologize once the damage is done. All you can do from this outcry experience is have the fortitude to see your life thru. Struggle till its easy. Get comfortable then it’s hard. I am the way I say am bo regrets I have to live my life after all. The haters will hate but they will rise to try again another day. I smile because it makes them uneasy then fall apart as soon as they leave the room.