Beginning Again

The very things I did back then take up a small fragment of my mind but they are very much a part of me. The times I spent alone struggling to find somebody to hold my hand in the end it has always been me. A husband who is incapable of showing much emotion loves to show his irritation when his annoyance with me gets out of hand. I guess you could say I am annoying. That is the one thing I can say about my husband. When most others headed for the high hills my husband decided to give it a try and make it last. So we try and I wish I could say it was built on a Hollywood romance but it is far from anything like that. What it is though is a crazy house filled with so much love giving me the ability to let my thoughts expand. Traditionally speaking we are anything but. Our life we have begun to gravitate towards trying to explain the unknown or our version of something like that.

6 years ago I would have never imagined this life. I wished for this life and burned soul candles for this life but truth be told I always assumed nothing ever did work. As brought to the attention of my husband today the first 3 letters of assumed is “ass” so what do you know about that anyways. My son is a definite reflection of my soul and to see his struggle brings a pain to my heart. I mean I can see that he is struggling with all the thoughts he has in his mind. As a parent you get scared as it starts to happen because you wonder what others would say. You draw yourself in even further because well what the hay anyways. I just want a beautiful life filled with simple little thoughts and beings. Well maybe not to simple because I like to be challenged from time to time. What scares me about those who are trying to be my friend is if you wait long enough there true colors shine in the end. Most times. Some times. Well the beings that gravitate towards me. The energy that I was emitting was one that was already defeated. I couldn’t help it. Let down so many times. Why do people always assume they will get away with all their lies. There it is again “ass”ume so you know what I say call them out. If you think you need to energy that way or you can do what I did. Ignore, them, mute them, restrict them from ALL of you but I wouldn’t BLOCK them entirely because how are they going to know what they are missing. And trust me curiosity will get the better of them because it always does. That is where I get all my energy to keep going because I don’t want all the haters of the world to finally win.

Keep on swimming just like Dory always says. Who cares what others are thinking of you if it’s bad it’s because they have a bad seed in their heart. Something happened way back when that makes them feel like they have this right. To sh*t in somebody else’s cheerios just to say that they did and felt like they can. Gross. Humans are gross when given the chance to react. I just have no desire to stand around long enough especially when there energy is so black. It will suck you in if you let it and wreak havoc on your soul. I wish I could say this journey gets easier but truth be told it gets worse as we get old. Those we though we loved when we were younger now becomes our enemies. It is worse when it is our own brother, daughter, sister, lover, when will this hate we have towards each other ever end. That fire that burns black as it tries to take over. Willing the minds of those that are weak to only try and control them. When finally they don’t get their way they lash out and start spewing misinformed facts. Facts that try to sting and hurt and if allowed to will cut you so deep you will bleed. It is impossible to heal from a wound that is relinquished that deep. Knowing another’s true intent can be devastating especially when it contradicts the being you thought you knew. People change and so do you. Who you feel in when you were younger will not be the same when you are older but then maybe just maybe your heart always knows. My heart always did when it comes to certain beings. You never forget those smiles that make your heart skip a beat. I mean I know I never did.

I am still impossibly shy as I hope for the best. I dream of having this little sisterhood sorority like on Legally Blonde or maybe even Mean Girls. You know that bond that just sort of tells all the haters and naysayers to stay far away. I dream of girls that have my back like that and I will never stop dreaming that dream. That’s why I get mildly jealous at some women’s success. I truly want what they have but not at anybody else’s expense. Maybe I am tired and I am carrying on. When does this stuff begin to happen or should I just forget and move along. Am I not worthy of that? And if not then what is my life supposed to mean? How do I begin to find the answers that I know can’t be found in a magazine. A deeper reflection of self means I need to dig further in. Where do I go from here though? When tomorrow comes will I even know where to begin?

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