As I watch my son sleep I am adamant on one thing, I will never give up on trying to understand this fascinating little being. While some have these preconceived notions about me I can promise you there is only one fact. The fact that I am true on is honoring the energy inside that little being. If you see that as being lazy then you can get the f*ck out of here. Excuse my french but why are you here? If you aren’t coming at me with friendship in mind than that only leaves your intentions as being just one thing. Maybe more than one thing but facts will always be facts. The only reason why you are here right now is a heightened sense of interest to try and find out what the hell I could possibly mean.
I am exploring the possibility of Asperger’s which is incredibly fascinating all in the same. Hans, a child’s physician in Austria in the 1930’s grew tired of watching these incredible little beings be gassed for being just a little bit different so he studied them. He began to study them for all the glorious light and perspective they bring into the world because they dare to live their lives the way we were meant to be. Authentic in our own truths these little children set out in the world to do just that and were marched off to gas chambers because the world refused to understand. Not the world but a certain group of beings. What I love about the exploration into autism how extremely close to their own truth these children actually are. They see the world differently but shouldn’t we be allowed too? Imagine how much different the world would be if we didn’t ridicule and persecute them into having an early grave. Children with Asperger’s grow into having other mental disorders. Not because they were born to be defective because other little children made them that way. Looking back I can think of children we all rallied against and bullied. We knew they were different so we had to objectify them but it wasn’t our fault society made us this way. We don’t rally all together and bully those we didn’t understand. Nah that was adopted from our surroundings in every which way and I think I can. I didn’t know I needed to hate somebody because of the color of their skin until it was taught. Just like bullying somebody who appeared differently instead of honouring all the things that they thought.
I struggle with the potential diagnosis because I see the world differently too. If the world seemed a little too hard today I create a world that made it seem like it would be ok. I would dress myself up and put on a brave face and try to bring magic onto the world. I still believe in magic but not in the crazy, manical sense. I know I can’t freeze time, or make anybody fall in love with me or any of those Disney Curses. But I believe that if you fill yourself with the hope that maybe love will find you one day or maybe just maybe there is a hint of magic in the air. Isn’t that the promise of new life? Where once there was nothing now there is this potential for a new being? On my neighbours yard this morning I saw a pregnant Doe looking for green grass. Her full belly just captivated me and I was so enamoured with what is to come. That is magic right there. Growing inside her belly. Two seperate entities creating a new one. What greater sense of being. So am I wrong with the way I think maybe in some ways yes. Where my mind has fragmented was from the early years of domestic abuse. I gravitated towards the evil. I was in love with it in some ways but not no more these days are for my son. I can see that now. All those soul candles burned at 3 am finally brought him home.
So now I need to know what harm does it do if I am successful in my life and in turn so would be my son? If I don’t conform to the traditional way of doing things does that in turn make me bad? Is that why there is laws set in place to ensure that we actually don’t have control of our own minds? Make it so we have to cram it full of useless information in order to suppress our own natural talents and eventually they would have control over the way a majority of the world thinks. If you are unable to control the mind in these conventional ways then there must be something wrong with them and we need to affect them in alternative ways. Make them believe they are something wrong with them for not aspiring to fit in. Where are the great young minds of the world and does it make sense that you need a million dollars in the bank in order to allow you to think freely or you get taken away. There are so many other children in the world that are meant to feel the same. Why is the solution to instantly medicate are we taking something away from them? Are we inhibiting their natural ability to be curious and think? I don’t know enough about what is happening and the reality I don’t think I ever will.
My whole world is collapsing in around me and these days all I feel I have is me. I mean I confided in my sister back in mid December with a secret so black that it has eaten my soul. I guess I am not surprised she never got back to me again. Maybe I am just as evil. Should I let the bad man win? I am sure tired but then this surge of rage lights a fire under me. I won’t let my son fail in this life there is a chance all he has is me. Right now with my husband’s ailing Grandmother he is right where he needs to be. Blood does run thicker than water and there is also doing the right thing. We should be here tomorrow but there is a chance the matriach of our family will take her last breath. I can’t ask my husband to be with us. I understand in life there are some things more important. I allowed the things I have been accustomed to do to go to the wayside. My focus is always on that little being I pay no mind to those lurking haters. The ones who call me lazy or crazy or a barage of other things. Nah y’all are the crazy ones I am just trying to embrace my life and allow myself to live. When I think of those with their slander with no remorse to their words I kinda chuckle. K I laugh because I reminded that people like you still exist so I use it as fuel to feed the anger inside of me. I use it to be my drive to find success in life that people like you can never find me. Oh maybe you will never find me but I will keep you out of my reach. The things with distant strangers is there is always unfriend, delete, block which means in the end I win!!