I read for knowledge and not to be entertained. Most fiction now a days runs on the same story line and it is kind of like if you have read one you have read them all. Of course it is that way. Where else do you think people get ideas from. Most ideas are borrowed and copied from time to time with a little bit of word manipulation to call it your own. Maybe you do or maybe you don’t but even I am guilty of copying those I admire and esteem to be. I always have hope for a brighter tomorrow even if I am drowning in today. How can one ever find what works for them if they don’t keep dusting themselves off every time they fall. I have fallen more times than most and most of the time I get up on my own. The last heartfelt confession I had was to my sister and boy did I learn my lesson. Imagine finally having the courage to confess something that has been eating away at your soul only to have the person you entrust with the information never talk to you again. Now I know I should feel like a bad person for the thoughts in my head but that is why I tried to find somebody to help navigate through the pain. Once again I have had my heart stomped on by somebody I trust and I vowed to never let that happen to me again. Well until today but it was by my own doing. Today I started the wormhole journey into trying to understand the spectrum that is autism. In full truth and authentic disclosure my son is looking to be autistic and when I read about the struggles that others were faced with my heart just breaks. I won’t be like most everybody in my life has been to me. Today no matter how hard this life will be I will always be by my son’s side. Everything that we have gone through in the last 4 years as a family is beginning to show it’s ugly head. The idea that maybe my son will be treated differently stings like salt in an open wound. As his mother I need to empower myself with knowledge then look at the best course of action to make his life count.

Trying not to cram him into a diagnosis without fully understand can be extremely detrimental to his growth and well being. I know that I am not a professional and it maybe too early to tell but I know that he sees the world differently I can just tell by looking at his face. Lately he has started developing a stutter so I know that we are nearing a sensitive time. He needs to be enrolled in school in September but my fear is this inability to regulate emotions might cause more harm than actual good. Of course I don’t want him to be behind but here we are once again. Where do I find a Doctor I can trust? The only Doctor I have in my life right now is my Cannabis doctor and I trust her with my life. Duh! Obviously. She has met my son and I think she saw the difficulties that could potentially arise so she would be a good source to keep him out of the pharmaceutical system. Ever be so scared because the future of another being depends on you. If we do nothing and we are right then we have set him up to fail. If we do something and we were wrong potentially he could be set up for far worse. What if they want to medicate him and all he was doing was being a kid? I am a first time parent and this is all so new but what scares me the most is what people in power might do, so I chose to read as much as I can and find somebody I can trust. From there it is so grey I don’t know if we will ever see air.

The stress and the weight of it all is threatening to collapse all around me. I feel too tired most days to do the minimal day to day things. I rarely get dressed. Not like I used to do. My life feels so blah like and I am tired of course too. There is something to be said for having somebody in your corner and for the most part during the day I feel so incredibly alone. My partner is annoyed with my very presence that I have to make myself feel small when he walks in the room. I look towards the floor and hope he doesn’t notice me. I don’t want to cause no trouble I just want to be free to be me. We are always fighting about this that and another thing and it is for the most part utterly exhausting. Of course it is. I am overwhelmed by it all but I am unmotivated to make a change. I don’t know what will be good for me and what will cause me even more pain. Trying not to compare myself to others and to just live my life. Be protective of my son somewhat and give him the tools so he is set up for success. They say that the best thing you can do is try to understand that the world looks different from their eyes. I always thought the world was a bit odd and different and wouldn’t it be nice if we saw the world the same. Now that I am beginning to open myself up to what it is his little mind is experiencing I think we have bonded even more. There is just something that comes from such a special little being when he thinks you are the most important person in his world.