I am wired for my life I am not wired for yours. I am not capable of handling your life that is spinning out of control when all I was prepared to do was handle my own. Sure I tried to let down my guard and trust another being but at the end of the day that trust has always let me feeling betrayed. Case and point this sham we call a marriage. I mean what man gets such great satisfaction out of getting his wife to cry.
Imagine a life where your partner uses all your moments of weaknesses against you. Share with him that you might not be the right person to help out your autistic son because like him you see the world different. Where others are capable of moving from day to day all I see is this pain that is mine that comes and comforts me. Cigarettes getting put out on my pubuscent skin. Underwear being ripped off of my body without removing my clothes. The scraweld words of baby killer greeting me as my friends stood below and smoked. Ya I guess you could say those moments changed me. They hardened me in a way that it took away my smile. My friendships growing up were always one sided. I was being used all the time but getting no emotional support. I could tell they were making fun of me whenever I would leave the room. The only reason why I was kept around because as teenagers they were so poor. I also worked. It was my contribution to my life but I had friends who took advantage of my drive so I began to see the world different.
Boyfriends abused me. Friends used me. I was so insecure with what I had to offer that to me money made the most sense. Money made the world go round so maybe you could pay people to be your friends. That ideology only works for so long until the demons begin to rear their ugly head. A tisket a tasket more money to put in my basket? When friends are used to being spoiled they take great offense to it when it’s done. When you are finally tired of being used and wonder if there is something more to life than their jealousy will being and so will all their lies. An authentic approach to life as been most refreshing. 9 times out of 10 trash will take themselves out. Since I began to look at my world different all in all there has been more good stuff coming in. Sure there are hurdles but life needs to be that way. There is no way life was meant to be so easy. How do you build character if you are stuck living in a rut, under rock tooting your horn about everybody else’s shame. Those who have nothing bad about themselves must have closets full of skeletons that is why they deflect the attention off of them onto some other being. Just you wait.
I am at a cusp of believing all the hype or maybe just maybe this time I can do something right. Maybe I am doing it right all along but how would I to know? There is no trophy at the end of where we are going just a thanks for coming now close that door. Slam it shut behind you as you take your last breath now let’s pile 6 feet of dirt on top of you till your bones are the only thing left. I think that is why people get so off put with me. I am quick to say ya you aren’t for me now go run along and play. Those I follow in life I do so with respect. Those who are quick to irritate my physche I work very hard to forget. Put them on notice and pay them no mind. I don’t have the time of day for somebody who can’t be kind. To watch others fall without offering a hand it makes me sit and wonder what is wrong with our fellow man.
Yesterday during an Instagram live somebody asked me if I wanted to go to Heaven and I said no. He then asked me if I wanted to go to Hell and I again politely declined. He exclaimed with such fury why didn’t I want to live with Jesus Christ and I offered up quite simply why limit myself to the clouds when I am destined for the stars. I don’t want to live in the dirt or amongst men who have used his name to cause war and reak havoc on another’s mans life. The Egyptians didn’t worship Jesus and there is no way they all went to hell. The pyramids were erected for a greater purpose than just getting to a man. They were erected into the Heaven’s to bring us back to the light we came from. Why would so many beings spend their entire lives working meticulously that way? We are blinded by the last a thousand years trying to explain away all the things we can like how is it we all got this way. So blinded by the lives we have never known before but oddly crazily competitive like only men in the wild can.
I am guarded and I am protected because other people made me that way. Why do I need to conform to fit in when I wasn’t close to being made that way. I know I was born different with this desire to stand out. Now even my abuse makes sense because it has made me see my world differently and adapt to it just like him. I see the world like my son does because the world became so cruel. I am alarmed by loud noises and the odd man entering the room. I notice everything and go on high alert every time my little neck hairs go on end. The truth of it all being I am even too scared these days to make friends. Why share a moment of weakness with a being that will use that weakness against you. I mean there is no good to come of an entity that is mastering that art form instead of focusing on what’s going on inside his own head. Those who cast stones in your direction should never be invited over to break bread. Now that makes it a lot more difficult when my nemesis is in fact my partner in life. At least it makes it easier to know that when my back is turned I know who is carrying the knife.