Silenced. After a day of chaos trying to get a mi use so I can hear my inner child is driving me insane. Believing I have a partner in life who would actually like to succeed instead of driving me into an early grave. What I noticed about the meticulous way he dominants my daily life that I am incapable of having any sort of friends. I am weird. Chronically misunderstood and my mind is getting pushed to the limits and I am officially insane.
My partner drives me insane. He does it on purpose. He picks at me like a scab until U begin to bleed then he yells at me for the blood everywhere. Calls me disgusting, fat and lazy as he hangs out by himself all day. He doesn’t work. He doesn’t contribute he only interject his opinion when he knows it will cause the most problems.
Yesterday was draining. The day before that exhilarating but I had to be punished for wanting a social life and my husband was more than willing to do so. For over a week I have been sympathetic and compassionate to his ailing Grandmother but he uses that to take advantage of the situation and never comes. Yesterday he was gone ALL day and didn’t help me with a 10 minute air break. My son is showing signs of being autistic so our approach to his development has to be hands on. My husband goes out all day then looks himself in the bathroom to smoke or in the basement to play with his weed.
Yesterday I begged him from 4pm to help me and just be a Dad. What I got in return if you don’t want to be a mother there’s the front door. The reason why I stay here is so we can raise our son together. If I wanted to go about it solo I wouldn’t have all these animals too. I tell him I am in physical pain that all my nerve ending hurts. What he did as I began to cry was record me instead. He got in my face and said look it everybody isn’t she crazy? Too which I replied of course I am I have no emotional support or a friend alone to guide me. I have a man who gets hard using words against me and try to get the rest of the world to show me hate. I told him if he was going to record me he best be including his role in pushing me over the edge.
He drops his drawers in my kitchen and I always trip over his jeans and shoes. Empty methadone bottles on my counter and open papers to the most controversial news. Even yesterday he told me he would be leaving in the morning. For a man who doesn’t work just complain he sure has a lot of movement to attend to on the day to day. Last night at 10:30 when I finally gave up I let all the anger and rage out of me. I yelled at him in a voice I never ever heard. I didn’t feel violent I just want to be heard. NOBODY HERES MY CRIES FOR HELPIS THERE ANYBODY OUT THERE?
Today is the day that I protect my own energy instead of giving it to anybody else. Yesterday I was too weak to project after the weight of the last 5 years. This man has done it to me. Broke my heart and chased away my soul. Imagine a partner who gets off on you being inferior. Every day this man is trying to find a new way to mentally break me. I am no good anymore in social settings. I am unable to be a good friend because of all the damage I have suffered.
I cry everyday as I believe my husband’s words to be true. I am not a good person who easily angers but in my head I am just frustrated trying to find my place in the world. I spill too much because I have to get it out. All this pain wants to drag me under as tears pool around me. I cry everyday because nobody sees me. I am always the girl they say, we will talk about this later. Then they run for the high hills and stay out of my reach. I am tired of being hurt. The walls are caving in. Please don’t make me go outside again. I already heard all the things that are being said. I am a mere fragment of a girl I can no longer possibly be. I am scared of the inevitable and all the things that other people can see.
I think I need to hate myself. I mean I know everybody else does. You don’t hear all the things that are said about you and still believe you belong in this world. So I went silent on all social media platforms. I had to stop the word vomit from forming. The grotesque thoughts in my head forming that want to push me to an early grave. Maybe that is what he is trying to do. Then he doesn’t have to fight me for custody. Oh the things that real men think of and do. I have a man who wants to crush me and sisters who don’t care. I can’t keep crying to my mother or I will get cut off from that tie too. Not that my mother will but her boyfriend has and will do. He protects my mom with a fierce, admirable energy that not many can do. The closest I have to that is the animals in my care. They give me constant comfort in life that not many can or are willing to do.