What I now come to understand about myself is an actual deeper reasoning with myself how far away from human my insides actually feel. To not inadvertently identify yourself with your own species because of the general lies we have all told each other to keep this what we perceived civilized facade up for so long. As my mind breaks into millions of pieces I can only reflect the habits I have come to know. I don’t really feel a direct connect anymore to one specific being. My son of course shares the same energy as me. That is how he was brought into this world.
For so long I hid who I was inside because my whole desire was to be liked. I didn’t want to share too much about anything personal because it was always used against me. I got a job so I didn’t have to borrow from anybody knowing it was kind of nice when people came to borrow from me. At least they talked to me right? So I allowed myself to get used. Even with the men in my I always fell victim to their prey.
I declared bankruptcy at a young age because I was trying to impress anybody who would stay around for a while. But they wouldn’t. The awkward weirdness I had become accustomed to was my lifeline if nothing else. I pushed away those that stayed around for too long looking for anything that in my mind made sense. One time the boyfriend called me the c word (c*nt if you must know) and another time this man was just truly not up to no good. You could cheat on me every which way till Tuesday and I would still turn a blind eye. In my mind as long as you came back eventually that must mean you love me right?
I learned to live broken and tried to distract myself in some way. I had no idea what I was doing or where I was going even if I would have somebody to talk to at the end of the day. Living alone with just me and my cat life was simple. Somewhat simple. I had dalliances but only the truly good looking ones. And the problem with me if you can keep up with me in conversation they were all good looking to me. Except they couldn’t and they weren’t so for the most time it was just my nose to the grind. Working 2 to 3 jobs at a minimum I had a lavish life I was addicted to and eager to live. I was just focused on the life with enamored stars in my eyes. The problem with anything in life these days you can always run a muck with your addictions. I was so determined to live my life a certain way that anybody that had something to say in reverse to that was easy to send on their way. Is that a bad skill to acquire or a necessary evil. Survival of the fittest and all that jazz or is there something to be said about living away from the pack in possible fear. I think we all need an allay at the end of the day. No matter how strange, weird or awkward we are or who in our life needs the last say.
So there are the times when I think I am fitting in that are mostly covered overly all the times I am awkward as f*ck. Call it no filter at best I run into problems because I don’t see an issue with speaking my mind. If I think it aren’t I dishonouring myself by not saying something unless of course it shatters another person’s world in the process. I think I have a sound understanding of that. There is saying to hurt. Saying to inform. And saying to wonder. Is thinking this way wrong? You don’t owe anybody the right to come into your life if they are going to make you feel this way. Friends shouldn’t make you beg and plead for simple understanding especially because we aren’t born the same way. Am I would from just cutting myself out directly from bad behavior or am I the only person who thinks that way?
I want somebody to accept me for all that I am instead of them trying to conform me to be a certain way. Mean girls are mean and ugly for a reason they get off on another’s misery and decay so I cut myself off like a gangrene arm knowing in time I may regret that decision. Bad people never change. Just the secrets that they keep so if I beat them to the punchline what can they possibly say about me? So I do. I just leave. With no more than a flick of the tongue and a block, ignore, delete. If somebody wants to walk out of your life give them a helping hand. Don’t give them a chance to sneak back in close or watch your life get increasingly out of hand. People get exposed for even the silliest things. Just remember to honor the lil voice inside of you instead of letting every evil monster in.
What is the purpose of our own lives then to do those things that make our hearts feel happy and our souls sings. The hills come alive when we are true with our intent instead of waiting anxiously on the sidelines for another demise. Never judge a book by its cover but what if the book in front of you has no spine or context or even an intro to warn us about all the bad things. Shouldn’t we be allowed to judge one by the way one makes us feel with every nerve ending and hair standing on edge. Who are they to deman immediate reciprocation of our affection without evenhaving to tell us a damn thing!! Nah I think I am ok with being so socially awkward when it comes to the living and not always accepting every damn thing!