I get chased out of my own existence. If I allow it. And for the most part on the best of days I don’t become it. Well maybe only for just a moment. In my best image on my best day I am still going to be worthless to somebody it seems. Life has a funny way of making us always conclude to that. A mere reflection of everything I used to be before. I deflect. Sometimes I fall casually into the plural state of being. Trying to imply that there maybe others out there like me to that I don’t know. Of course more beings would have to wear their hearts on their sleeves but is it all possible after all the things I have seen?
In a group on new women I feel the pang of being so incredibly awkward. Stemmed from an adolescence filled with so much angst and not to mention a little bit of domestic abuse. Is that what you call it when you are only 13? I mean I heard of being brain dead stupid but was I really that nieve? I mean we can all play the part when having to adapt but how much of it was circumanstance and the other of it fact when all things considered all the messed up things that happened to me? I am scared of my own shadow not to mention those of certain friends and don’t forget to mention the skeletons hanging in my closet. Will thos nightmare ever end?
Does it have to keep on being a nightmare or can a rewrite my end? I must be able to will it into something more deserving of my dreams. I have made it this far and done this well haven’t I? My mind dances with the idea of how exquisitely fabulous would it be to finally have an excuse for my insanity instead of making it about what happened when I was 13. I hate when others tell me not to live in the past but what about honoring it? We are only allowed to stand where we are because somebody else has fallen so who are we to try and wash away those facts? Should I feel shame because another man hurt me or should I use my story to help shield instead of shame?
As I look into the kaleidoscope that is my son’s mind and so in turn so is mine. Fragments of lights filled with so much possibilities and little rainbows that danced inside my head. The idea that maybe the way that he sees the world can be one and the same. I understand the frustration he is experiencing. This has long been a condition weighing in my brain. What does it matter the color of my world that I live in if it doesn’t upset or bother you? Chances are you wouldn’t care or even notice until somebody makes you believe another way. Right? I wouldn’t be thinking of all these possibilities unless of course I thought it would help me son in some way. He is my life. The very essence that makes it grand. The fact he is in an angry little package came to me in a form I have always tried to understand.
Everything I have ever known finally makes so much sense. In life right now he is all I need so who am I to rush into all the unknown facts. Nothing else matters in this moment so I take a deep sigh and let out my final breath. Not the one that keeps me breathing but the one that keeps me holding on. I will always be the best that I can be even when the rest of the world fails to notice or even wants to understand. I am me and I am glorious in the image that I have always been. No more. No less. No anymore glamorous then who I was before. Just finally at peace with this life and this moment. No more kicking or screaming and holding back. I would try so hard until I can no longer breathe. Only in that moment could I finally rest. Isn’t that the life we want? A life well lived? A life worth mentioning to at least somebody before it all ends. Because life does end and then what? Nothing. No see ya later man I love you. Nothing. Quiet. Until a break in the silence that leaves you wanting more.
To be fully alive in the moments that matter instead of numb from confusion maybe feeling alienated at best. I have felt alienated my whole life now I have an opportunity to love life through different eyes. And live life through the eyes of my babe. His smile lights up my heart even when he tells me to go away. This journey seems impossible at times but I am thankful it is me. I am thankful for all that has come to me in these moments up to and including a self-fulfilling prophecy that had always been simply me. I used to beat myself up with this terribly nasty self talk and then light a light bulb it began to dawn on me. Don’t be so hard on myself and be thankful for all that there is. There is a reason that this is happening in this moment we just have to learn to relax a little and stop questioning things. It is so easy to do. At least easy fore. My mind is always thinking and low and behold I am waiting for it to be me. I don’t believe I am lucky not in the way that others think. I mean I work tirelessly hard to get to where I deserve to be here. I put in the work don’t you?