The stress of this life has become too much to bare. There are no moments of tranquil silence because all it takes is a second for my son’s mood to turn. If the channel doesn’t turn fast enough he turns into a rage. Last night I watched him blindly pee on my husband and my mental mind has never been the same.
I try to read as fast as I can and there is no more strength left in my body. My husband awoke just to yell and swear at me and I can’t stop the tears from falling. Nobody accepts me in this existence and my head pounds everyday from trying. Between the name calling and getting punched and hit by my son I think I am ready to admit to the Universe they won.
Everything I had to endure was hard. Being raped in my own bedroom by a boy I thought I loved while my parents were showering right next door. I remember crying as he did his deed and put his hand on my head and told me this is what people in love wanted to do. I didn’t want to do that so I just closed my eyes and cried. I waited for him to be over with what he wanted to do before I ran away and hid outside. There used to be this big rock that my Dad found when digging the foundation of our house. I hid behind the rock and cried. I had no idea that I lost my innocence that day. It was like everybody knew and snickered and jeered my way. There is no feeling like this for a child to experience so I get my head down and prayed the day away. My Dad convinced me sacrificing my first born would be the right thing to do but now the Universe has had their final say as the grant me with the angriest little guy on Earth.
Now here I am in a family devoid of any intimacy or love. My son doesn’t want to be hugged and he hates all kisses so I just huddle up in a little ball in the corner of the room. The feelings that overwhelm me when he hits and kicks me just breaks my heart. It’s like a punishment for the youth I lived when I was made to believe I was doing the right thing. I don’t have a father he hates my guts and if he knew that his Grandson was broken I can imagine all the things they would say. They already do. Without meeting my son they deemed him the devil reincarnated and have banished him from their life already too. He was 1.5 years old when they wished him away. My beautiful baby boy will one day face this cruel, hard world and I am terrified he will be alone. I lived this world a lot alone and it is the hardest world to face. We all need to have an anchor to keep us sane or at least give us hope for a brighter day. My son and his anger I can see he is just like me. Last night what I had to witness just poisoned me to my core.
I wasn’t able to change the channel fast enough and he flew into his rage. The last moment I remember was him begging for his Dad to stop as he threw him in a cold shower to cool him off. He got so heated that he started to foam and his eyes rolled back in his head. It was the only thing we can do to try and get his body back to a normal body temperature. All he kept screaming was Daddy, no I am so cold.
My decision to share my story because I don’t believe in a world of 7 billion people he is the only one. Even my husband begged me not share in the fear that maybe some self righteous moron will try and steal him away. My thoughts are there must be more parents out there struggling with a first time diagnosis and becoming too scared to even breathe. The way he turns purple and his body writhes I have seen this before in every exorcist movie. The realization sinks in that I will have nobody in this life. My dad hates me, my husband is annoyed by me and my son will never be capable of giving me a loving hug back. How does one trust any being after that consistent level of betrayal? How does one begin to get their life back and finally learn how to think? The idea has forever been lost on me that what makes life beautiful also makes it so incredibly painful but also a little bit unique.
I know what it feels like to be cast away by those you love and it changes everything about you including your inner being. EVERYTHING!! To have those shun me away for wanting to be honest because I am not ashamed of my truth. This is my life and a series of unfortunate events have pushed me here and I will be damned if I let another people fill me with their shame. The reflection of them that makes them weak at the knees from embarrassment casting shadows every which way into their timeline. Not caring what others think or feel or if there is a way to make it to a brighter day. A calmer day that isn’t so easily irritated. You know the kind that relays our whispers and brings a smile to our cheeks. There is calm in the tranquil silence that can only come when you find yourself all alone. Maybe surrounded by the simplistic combination of life and nature that reminds of how simply beautiful coming alive simply is. For it is in this moment we can finally catch our breath. Before the sounds of the morning awake all those that are sleeping and bring thoughts that are forbidden to the forefront of our brains and head. My sons complicated mind trapped inside a little body bringing to life all the bad things I have ever encountered and ever said. The irony will never be lost on me as the life given to me was one that I can never hold close. I live in a constant state of misery too badly beaten to let these bad thoughts escape my brain.