I struggle with what it means to be human and I am having trouble identifying as such. My tears would wash me away if I allow them to as I struggle with my last breath to hold on. I fear that those that don’t understand me will in turn result in my own demise. The fear that resides deep within me threatens my sanity and I wonder exactly what it means to come alive.

There is no certainty in an uncertain moment as all your nerve endings stand up and your blood runs cold. Unaware of my own surroundings I become still just waiting for the paranoia to go on by. To be scared of your own shadow when you walk into the room prevents me from putting my guard down to try and connect with anybody else. Anytime I have tried to allow somebody close to me they have taken along with them everything I do in the day to try to make myself sane. So I ponder what it would mean to fall freely into this deep abyss of insanity. Who would I hurt if I just live my life a little differently too scared to come out of the shadows to watch others play.

I am tired, so tired and as I watch my son sleep I try to prepare myself for the next stop on this journey called life. The upcoming bouts of insane mania as I try to come to terms all that is happening inside of his little head. There is this feeling of abandonment that washes over me. Everybody I used to love has now taken an inactive back seat. I have two sisters that ignore my very existence forgetting that they are related to my little man. No birthdays, Christmases or even well wishes for me or him. Just this constant dis that we will never be good enough. There she is isn’t she crazy? And I heard she even has a crazier son?

My husband tells me not to share but why should I feel shame of this deck of cards I have been dealt. My whole life I dreamed of a baby that will love me unconditionally now I have to hold my breath as he yells and screams and forgets how to play. I know this anger. This anger has been my home. This anger has pushed all those away from me over time until suddenly I am left standing all alone. I try to tell myself it is ok to live a life in almost solidarity I mean I live among a variety of all kinds of animals isn’t that enough? Isn’t that enough to say I lived my life surrounded by love? Do I have to keep on engaging in human experiences even though in the end it will leave me feeling broken and afraid. My whole life I wanted to fit in but I was always different. Hiding away in order to not be seen. Who wants the world to see they are covered in bite marks and burns and not to mention the bruises, my whole life I struggled with just being loved.

The scars that I carry are so deep I still bleed and there is nothing that will stop the sea of red from being seen. There are too many whispers now for me to be able to recover and I am ok with that, at times, at least I think I can be. Why run into the arms of those who want to control you, they are only around to watch you fall so they can cover you up. When you become too much for those who just want to exist then they shun you away into the deepest, dark corners of a cave. That’s where I stay. It is comfortable here. I don’t have to worry about all the hateful words others have found their confidence to say.

Today I fell into a deep pit of depression that I couldn’t get myself out of. I started out happy then it was quickly whisked away. It feel like anytime I have a curl to my lips somebody always has to have the last say. I have never felt this unloved or rejected by everybody. No phone calls. No enquiries. Just this looming dark cloud that hangs over me reminding me it’s OK to cry. They lie anyways. They tell you that you can’t cry all the time but I do. I have learned to cry inside so nobody knows the inner turmoil I am experiencing. I stand alone in fear because when I speak it is upsetting to other people. I have been told to kill myself twice. Once about 10 years ago and the other time just tonight. Do you think it’s time I get up the courage and confidence and step back into the light.

Don’t live in your past and learn to ignore the truth. Don’t speak the words that time has faded because nobody wants to hear your stories. It’s like you spent this time on Earth doing nothing and nobody cares now that you are gone. Some do. But those who do get called crazy and I for one am tired of being called insane. Maybe? Maybe I like being the one that is dilusion that way it keeps everybody at bay. Maybe I do like being alone. My mistake was believing I wanted a family. Now that I am 5 years into this heartbreak I have no idea why I fought so hard for this life. The Universe is making it abundantly clear that I took my eyes off the prize and feel victim to something else. My world is dark and lonely and I just am too tired to reach out. I have tried to create a world that would make a positive impact on other people bit I don’t think my efforts have ever worked? What do you think? Have you even looked? It would be nice to get some feedback in this crazy story I call my life.

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